My life has been a series of transitions over the past four years. Each transition transfomred and reshaped who I thought I was. When the shifts and changes first began, I was terrified. I yelled at my Goddess on a daily basis demanding to know when it would stop. I honestly believed that if I could just have one moment in which my life made sense, I would somehow be able to go on and face what was happening around me. The problem was, it never stopped. I continued to demand that it stop until I was so beaten down by it that I was left with only one choice: accept the fact that I had no idea what my life would be. After I accepted this fact I became comfortable with not knowing. This acceptance freed me. It freed me from controlling out comes. I freed me from fearing for my safety. What could I fear if I no longer feared the unknown? For me, this level of acceptance was the beginning of peace within myself.
I ended my relationship recently. I wont go into details because it is too personal. What I will say is that he is wonderful and I love him. I am not swearing off the possibility of being with him again in the future. However, I could not stay in the relationship due to the fact that I would have been breaking a commitment and a promise that I made to myself if I did. Ending this relationship has brought to light many truths as well as great transformation.
The truth: I am tired of doing the work that it takes to live with and share my life with another person. I have been getting in, getting out of, trying to get into, or wishing I could be in a relationship since I was 16 years old. I have absolutely no idea what it is like to be single for more than 6 months. I have no idea what it is like to not share my personal living space, my time, and my attention with a romantic partner. I want to know what it is like to be with me, in my space, doing what I want or need to do without any demands being placed on my time or attention. My truth is not comfortable. But it is my truth. I maybe judged or disliked for living it. That is fine. I would rather live my truth than do what others think is appropriate.
The transformation: I know that I am valuable. I am to important to allow myself to compromise my truth or lie to myself. I am not lonely. I am not afraid of spending my life alone. I know that my friends and my family love me. I love myself. I do not need a romantic partner to validate me or make me feel good about myself. I make me feel good about myself. Any one reading this may think it sounds simple. But for me to value myself has not been simple. It has been the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. It is also the greatest blessing.
I am not angry or bitter about the end of my relationship. I have only love for him. I can’t help but believe that this is a new beginning. Perhaps the greatest lesson that I have learned within the past 4 years is that my Goddess has my back. An ending is always the beginning of some thing new and better than I ever could have imagined.