Yesterday was my 45th birthday. It is only the second birthday that I have been single since I was 19. I spent some time with my friends. It was a fabulous day! However, I also spent quite a bit of time on my own doing what I wanted. I enjoyed the freedom of having my time belong to me on my day. However, when I got home my ex boyfriend had come by to pick up some of his things. The reality of my decision bit into my heart and the tears came. I didn’t fight it. I let myself have my feelings. I love him. I want him to heal. I hope he does. Perhaps he will and we can find each other again in the future.
However, I can not be with him at this time. I need to be on my own. I need to know who I am when I am not attached to some one else romantically. I have learn how to be true to myself. Because, the truth is I have already lived half of my life. I can not live another moment of the precious life I have left compromising myself.
Being true to myself is by far the greatest challenge of my entire life. It hurts. It hurts to allow some one I love so completely to figure things out on their own. When it hurts so much I want to give up and give in. However, I know deep in my gut that I have done all I can.
It is difficult to be 45, childless, and single in the eyes of society. Most women work their entire lives to avoid becoming this. I put the words “Over 40, childless, and single” into my Google search engine a few days ago. The word “spinster” came up in the top three results. The Wikipedia definition of Spinster is: “A spinster, or old maid, is an older, childless woman who has never been married.” One Urban dictionary definition: ” Old unmarried woman. Not necessarily a virgin.” Joan Jett recorded a song titled “Spinster.” In one verse she sings “I’m no one’s wife and’ I’m not your little girl
Don’t tell me I’m useless cuz I want
More from this world” I think I will make this my new theme song. Joan Jett can be my new saint.
This is my truth. I am starting to believe that living my truth is not about being happy and comfortable all of the time. I am starting to believe that being true to myself is about doing what is right even when it is very difficult to do so. I am starting to accept that I will not fit. I will be the spinster.