I have been going through a time of great transition and difficulty of late. It is not the first time. I am not naïve enough to believe that it will be the last. I have come to a place in my life in which I am able to look for the gifts in all things. On some days, the gifts are easy to find. However, on other days I have to dig a little deeper to find them. One thing that I am beginning to understand is that great change does not come with out messiness and a bit of chaos. It is not until the dust settles that I am usually able to understand what it was all for. It has not been easy waiting for the dust to settle.
My life did not work out the way I intended. At the age of 45 I thought I would be married driving a child to school while my (now ex) husband and I continued to run our business. However, in the past four years I have gotten divorced, realized that I will not get to be a mother, started a new relationship, put that relationship on hold, started my own company, moved in with my mother, gotten out of debt, and gone back to school. During this difficult time in my life I am fighting to not feel like a total looser. I dig a little deeper to see the gifts. Mostly, I am able to find them.
Recently, I have been reconnecting with the friends in my present and from my past. It is interesting how easy it is for me to put my friendships on the back burner when I am romantically involved with a partner. When I am in a romantic relationship I give the majority of my spare time to my partner. My friends get whatever scraps are left. Lately, I have had to lean on the friends in my present. I am on the phone with them constantly, spending way too much money eating out with them, and visiting them. The friends that I have in my life now are the best! They allow me to be who I am with out judging me. I need them like I need air or food. They understand me. Why is it that I would need them less when I am involved with someone?
Through the miracle of Facebook I have reconnected with my friends from my past. In the days when I hung out with them I was abusing alcohol and drugs. I was depressed and I hated myself. I felt like a looser most of the time back then. But, I had these friends. I lived for them. I spent the majority of my time with them. They accepted me. They thought I was cool. I was afraid they would find out that I wasn’t!
It is because of my friends that I am able to get out of bed these days. I am living to be with my friends again. My life is not what I intended. But, my friends tell me I am worthy. They tell me I am not a looser. Maybe they’re right. After all, my friends are the best!