The Fog is Beginning to Clear

002My recent difficulties have been keeping the hamster that spins on a wheel in my head very busy of late. The events that have taken place in my life over the past few weeks have caused some old ways of thinking to resurface. But, I think the fog is beginning to clear.
I recently saw a friend that I had not seen in years. She looked amazing! Slim, perfect hair, flawless skin. She is my age. She could be a model! She looks 15 years younger. I immediately started to compare myself to her. Of course, this led down the old road of self loathing and doubt that I had not traveled in a while. The busy little hamster that lives in my head spun this series of questions around on her wheel for a couple of days: Am I beautiful? People say I’m attractive, what does attractive actually mean? If I were as beautiful as her, would my life be better? What kind of beauty do I have? People have told me I’m pretty, but is “pretty” as good as “beautiful”? Doubting my appearance led to thinking about where I “should” be in my life and what I “should” be doing. I should be further along! I should be more successful! I should smarter! I should be a home owner with a husband and children! I should be happier! At this point, the “shoulds” were combined with doubting my worth based on my appearance. I used to live with this insane cycle of thinking on a daily basis. This time, however, it only lasted for a few days.
As a matter of fact, the fog lifted when I was driving today. I was driving down a country road on my way to a client’s house, listening to the Spa channel on satellite radio (yes, I listen to the Spa channel on occasion, don’t judge me!) when I saw the truth that I had forgotten. The truth of myself and my life. I remembered that I am human just like everyone else. I am living the best way that I know how. Day in, day out. I can not possibly be “further along”. I can only be where I am. My success lies in my continuing to move forward and not hold onto the past. My success lies in how kind I am to others and how much I contribute to the world around me one day at a time. What makes me smart is learning from my mistakes. As for my appearance, I am not a model nor will I ever be. I am unique. I am fabulous in my own way. As I continued to drive, I remembered that I had given up comparing myself to others a couple of years ago. As I drove, I noticed that the sky was filled with beautiful,large gray clouds which cast shadows on the mountains and fields. However, I did not see any fog. 186


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