Fitting In (First published 6/14/13)

(My first 6 blog posts were somehow erased. I have no idea how. For those who are interested, I am re-publishing them now. I will create a brand new post later this week)
I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately. I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions. Most of the time, I am fine with that. Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me. This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother. Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children. My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?! You’re lucky you don’t have kids!” When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption. In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it. I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about? Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex-husband? Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption? These are the answers that I have come up with: 1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was. 2) My ex-husband was my first love. I believe in true love. I wanted to believe he would change if I did. That was a huge mistake. 3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in. I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like everyone else. I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly. Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless. I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double wide trailer that is in need of many repairs. I own a business. I am a full time college student. From an outsiders point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim. It does not fit.
This is my truth: I am happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin. On most days I have a great deal of serenity. I don’t worry about my future. I no longer stress about my finances. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside. I do not doubt that I deserve the best. I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships every day. I am kind. I enjoy living immensely!
In regards to fitting in, Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “If you choose to lead your life just like eve… The road most traveled by is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us. If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!

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