Lesbian Overnight

sorry boys i'm gay

My Mother recently prompted my ex-boyfriend to collect somethings that he had stored in and around her shed via certified mail from the sheriff’s office. He had left these things on her property after he and I broke up 16 months ago. She and I made repeated attempts to have him remove them.

He still felt that my Mother had done him a great wrong.

Which I guess is what prompted him to yell at my Mother: “About you’re daughter, NO ONE BECOMES A LESBIAN OVERNIGHT!

My Mother told him to go to hell and went back into her house. ( Yes she is pretty awesome!)

He may be sick & narrow minded but he is right about one thing: I did not become a lesbian overnight.

It took decades for me to be who I really am.

I identified as bisexual beginning at age 17.

I wasn’t sure I could be gay because I had been with boys.

The first time I had sex it was with a boy.

I always chose men because they chose me.

I never considered a single man that I was with until he paid attention to me. I never looked at a man and felt the things that I felt (and feel) when I looked at a woman.

I went through puberty in the age of day time talk shows in the 80’s. On several of these shows I often heard that women just didn’t feel the same level of sexual desire that men do. I heard women who were supposed to be experts saying that women were attracted to men after getting to know them. And these same so called experts said that women often needed cuddling more than sexual fulfillment.

I also heard “experts” saying on these talk shows that same sex attraction was very common in teenage girls but that they usually out grew it when they became adults.

As a young girl I thought that women just didn’t feel the same level of attraction that men did.

And I thought that it was normal for me to feel attracted to and develop deep emotional attachments to my female friends.

I struggled in relationships with the opposite sex for a multitude of reasons.

Among the reasons that I struggled was the fact that I sometimes wondered if I needed to end the relationship because I was actually a lesbian.

But I would talk myself out of it. I would “write off” my thoughts. I would tell myself I was creating a problem that wasn’t there. I was creating struggle when everything was going well.

I told myself it was normal to only have fantasies about women. I figured it was because I had a man. If I were with a woman then I would have fantasies about men right?

I always felt like I was hiding. I always felt like something was missing. I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t ever figure out what that something was.

Iyanla Vanzant Authentic Self quote

When I am my true self, I allow others to truly love me

When I fell in love with my girlfriend a million puzzle pieces fell into place.

I knew who I was and what had been missing.

A million realizations fired off in my brain and in my heart.

It took me 30+ years to meet her and be my authentic self.

My ex-boyfriend was right: I didn’t become a lesbian overnight. I always was. It just took a very long time for me to live my truth.

 

To Damn Busy!

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My love is in the hospital again with pneumonia. She has officially been there for one week today.

She will get better.

In the week that she has been in the hospital none of her family has come to visit her.

One of her good friends is the only person to visit her besides me.

This has caused me to think about busyness.

Allow me to explain.

When we are busy we don’t have to stop and look at life. We don’t have to wonder if we are happy or if our relationships are good. We’re just to damn busy to think about it!

When we are busy, we gain our worth from how much we get done in a day (this is me in a nut shell by the way). And when we do finally have a day off or a vacation we can say we deserve it because of how busy we have been!

The cycle goes on and on. We wear ourselves out, our relationships grow weaker, and we stop showing up for people when they need us even when they are sick and in the hospital.

I am completely certain of one thing: THE RELATONSHIPS THAT WE HAVE WITH OUR LOVED ONES ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS LIFE.

When we finally take the long dirt nap, the only thing that we will leave this world with is the love we created while we were here.

Showing up for someone means more than a thousand tasks completed in a day, a new car, or a promotion.

Today, I will go spend as much time as I can with my love.

I can’t make her well. But I can show up for her.

Whats Out &Whats In for 2017: The Year of Fruition

I DEEM 2017 THE YEAR OF FRUITION

2017

I deemed 2016 as The Year of Transition. 

I had no idea how right I was!

This year I: Came out as bisexual, met the love of my life (I honestly had no idea she would be so amazing!), realized that I am actually a lesbian and have always been and that that is a big reason my relationships with men never worked, let go of toxic people, adopted two adult daughters (they are such a blessing!), introduced my girlfriend to my Mom(!), changed sponsors twice, was privileged to watch my dear friend make progress with her health challenge, and started an internship that I enjoy.

And I remained open as I said I would last year. I let go of expectations as best as I could. And I faced my fear.

The results are obvious:

  • I found deep, profound, true love. Unconditional adoring, hot, connected at the soul level love! And my Mother is happy for me! And my other family members and friends are happy for me! I denied my true self for decades because I was afraid of rejection. When I decided to risk facing that fear what I found was acceptance.
  • I became a second Mother to two adult daughters. I never thought that I would be a Mother in at all because I thought it had to happen in a traditional way. But I let go of that expectation and found profound healing and a great blessing.
  • After years of struggle, I finally let intuition guide me and made some hard decisions that needed to be made. I was afraid of hurting some people’s feelings. However, what happened was I ended up having great peace of mind and guidance.

So, once again my plan for the New Year is to REMAIN OPEN. No expectations.

What’s Out and what’s In for 2017:

the-list

OUT

Tradition

Anger

Frustration

Speaking negatively

Taking on more than I can handle

Not asking for help

Eating bad food

Neglecting myself

IN

Taking care of myself

Saying no when I need to

Speaking positively

Boldness

Being authentic in all things

Getting more sleep

Peace

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Making time to write

Travel

Eating well

I get that the current landscape of our world is uncertain going into 2017. But I believe life is what we make it. Remember: We are all in this together. This year will be as great as we choose for it to be!

 

!LIVING OUT LOUD!

stop being afraid

I came out to my Mother last week. I didn’t explain that I am bi sexual but prefer women. I didn’t tell her about the time in my life before I became involved with my ex-husband when I was “out”. I simply said: “I’m seeing someone and her name is Jo Ann.” She reacted as if I had told her I was going to the movies. And she told me she’s happy for me. She acknowledged that I’ve been through horrible relationships. She said I deserve to be happy. Now that she knows, I feel like I can breathe and relax into this new life I am creating with the most amazing woman I have ever met.

I honestly think the most difficult thing in the world to do is to be who you really are without filters or denial.

To not lie to yourself and “push down” that icy feeling in the pit of your stomach when something is really wrong.

To follow the thing that makes your heart sing with joy and not put it on “the back burner” when something is really right.

To risk rejection, heart break, failure and lack of acceptance.

To let go of caring about what other people think.

I am 47.  I will be incredibly blessed if I live another forty years.

I want to LIVE OUT LOUD!  I want to be brave enough to I risk living my truth without guarantees.

I am working on not wasting another moment of my life living in denial or using filters based on fear.

I am completely terrified!   

 

 

Freedom

buddha-peace-quotes-3

Due to the fact that today is Independence Day, I find myself thinking about freedom. I have been in the process of becoming freer over the past few months. I have been accepting life as it is more. And allowing myself to be who I am, thus facing my BIG fear of being rejected by the people I love. I am finding that my fear is unwarranted.

The more I live my truth, accept and love myself I am able to love others deeply and without reservation. I am losing interest in judging others. This does not mean that I do things perfectly. I make mistakes daily!

What it does mean : I am able to love others as they are because I am finally able to love myself as I am.

Buddha said: “The price of freedom is simply choosing to be, liberation is in the mind.”

True freedom is of our own making.

People reject other people and hate them because they cannot love and accept themselves completely. This is the most hidden of truths.

Just for today, I encourage everyone to accept yourself in all of your magnificence! Make no room in your heart for hate. Allow yourself to be free!

Happy 4th of July to all!

 

We Are Sacred

childless rock

A couple of years ago, I decided to make the day before Mother’s Day my own personal day. I’ve decided to call it My Other’s Day instead of Not a Mother Day. My Other’s Day has a more positive ring to it don’t ya think? 🙂 I realized quite some time ago that as a childless woman there is no celebration for me or those who are like me.

Childless women nurture the world by giving of their time and energy. We are the ones who pick up the slack, drive sick friends to appointments, rescue those in need, volunteer at various charities and organizations, answer the phone calls in the middle of the night, take the nieces and nephews to give the parents a much needed break. We are the confidants, the ones who can be trusted to show up when no one else is able. We stand in when a “Mom” is needed and the biological one is unable to be present (these are the moments we treasure). We are the friends you can always count on. And we still show up to help the Mother’s in our lives celebrate the children they were blessed with. We like the countless Facebook photos of cute babies and kids that Mom’s proudly post. We, celebrate birthdays, births, and milestones. We spend hundreds of dollars a year on gifts for the precious children that are not our own. And we love each and every one of those children with our whole hearts. We really get how special and important they are!

Women who are childless not by choice are sacred beings. We give of the time we have that is not filled with caring for children without asking for acknowledgement, gifts, or praise.

 

sisterhood

 

To all of my sisters who did not get to be mothers: take today and acknowledge yourself. Do something nice for yourself. The world could not function without the contributions you make.

And please know how very special and important you are to me!

Remain Open

Epiphanies come upon me of late like waves crashing on the shore. Within the past few weeks I have come to understand that I have been standing in my own way.

I mostly have done this through my impossible expectations. I will have a picture in my mind of how things are supposed to be.

I will fall off of the edge and into the pit of dark despair when the picture never comes to fruition. I set expectations for myself that are not humanly possible to meet.

With people I will not trust what I see and know within myself about them because I want to believe the picture I create of them more than I want to know the truth they show me. When I can no longer push the truth down and it doesn’t match the picture I have created, I feel betrayed. I feel like I have failed.

Iyanla Vanzant sums up the reason my relationships failed

My only goal right now is to remain open. As a result, I am very sensitive and emotional lately. I find myself getting choked up and/or crying easily.

I am profoundly afraid. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen or what I am doing. I never really did. I don’t think anyone does. However, up until very recently, I had those pictures that I had created. And I thought I was headed toward them.

My heart has been cracked wide open. I will allow it to remain so. Sprit has been guiding me to simply BE OPEN. So, I will simply be afraid. I will be confused. I will cry or become teary. I won’t apologize for it. I believe I am being guided to truly embrace all that happens instead of resisting it.

Epiphanies while driving last week