Peace is a Commitment.

quote-nonviolence-means-avoiding-not-only-external-physical-violence-but-also-internal-violence-martin-luther-king-15-90-33 Over the past few weeks I have come to realize that peace is a commitment. I made a decision to give my will and my life to the care of a power greater than myself more than a decade ago. And I am a Buddhist. Therefore, non-violence and peace are the principles that I want to practice.

It has been easy to keep my commitment to peace when life is normal and all is well. However, I have given up my commitment at the drop of a hat on many occasions when people “don’t act right” or “everything goes wrong”.

In other words: when it’s convenient I keep my commitment to my principals.

However, I have realized that I must keep my commitment even when it is difficult. 

Not doing so is like saying “Oh I’m not going to drink anymore but I’m still going to the bar every night.”

Martin Luther King Jr. said that Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit.

It’s an inside job.

And if I am truly going to remain open I cannot fight against anything or anyone. I have to accept what comes and feel what I feel about it without trying to make it be something that it isn’t. If something or someone is not good for me I simply need to walk away instead of attempting to bend it or them to my will.

This doesn’t mean that I’m achieving saint hood or that I think I’m better than anyone else.

Honestly, I’m just tired of fighting. My inner peace means too much.

 

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2016 : What’s Out & What’s In

Last Week after the Burning Bowl Ceremony I had a powerful realization for 2016

The Buddha said that all suffering is caused by self-grasping. It has recently occurred to me that my grasping and striving is entirely the problem. Honestly, what have I been doing all of these years if not trying to achieve some goal or obtain some life style in order to complete myself thus growing my ego?

For 2016 I have make no resolutions, no goals, no plans. I am simply going to remain open. However, I am a big believer in starting any new year from the mind set of Out with the Old, In with the New. Here’s my list of what’s Out and what’s In for 2016:

Out

Expectations

Pushing down the truth and ignoring the guidance I am being given

Hiding my bisexuality

Being ashamed of how others see me

Placing so much importance on how others see me

People who take more than they give

Jumping into bed and making a relationship out of it

Negative people

Accepting intolerant people

Attachment to out comes

Complaining

Talking about my break up

Being afraid that I will not get a job in my field

Letting go of who I think I’m supposed to be and how my life is supposed to be

Self-grasping in order to grow my ego

In

Being on my own and not in a relationship or dating

Having a deeper relationship with my Goddesses (Kwan Yin & Green Tara)

Being proud of my sexuality

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Writing

Following the guidance of my Kwan Yin & Green Tara

Following my intuition

Allowing people to be who they are without trying to change them

Letting go of people that are unkind and intolerant

Speaking and thinking positively

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Traveling more even if it is only a day trip and not an elaborate vacation

Completely letting go and trusting my Goddesses to connect me with a job where I can be of maximum service in the right way and in the right time

Being who I am and living the life I have been given with gratitude

Getting out of the way and allowing my Goddesses to lead

Believing who people are when they show me the first time

This year, I really hope that all of you find peace and love each day. Remember that we are all in this together. At the end of it all when we lay down for that final long sleep, we will not remember the jobs we had or the houses we bought. We will remember the people we have loved and how we treated them.

The Things That Matter Most

TSarah and Tara VA Beach

Love is what matters 

This weekend, I’m in Hampton, VA visiting two friends that mean a lot to me. We went site seeing in Virginia Beach today and have plans to visit a Buddhist temple tomorrow. It has been such a pleasure to spend time with them. They are in my tribe. They are wiser than they realize.

Tonight at dinner my friend Sarah said something that really resonated with me. She said: “You know, people are so interested in chasing and getting things. But all I want is to be happy. I want peace and happiness. You know? That’s what’s important. That’s what I care about.”

After I dropped my friends off, I turned Sarah’s words over in my mind. As I was driving I had an epiphany: I have lost my focus.

Since my break up, I have realized a lot of truths of late. However, in the midst of managing my crisis, I forgot the greatest truth: I must focus on the things that matter most.

  1. Showing up for the people in my life and being of service in whatever way I can.
  2. The deep and abiding joy and peace that is the greatest blessing from my Goddesses Kwan Yin and Green Tara.
  3. Loving the amazing people that fill my life and spending as much time with them as possible.

When my short life is over, I will not remember the days I spent pursuing a living or what I failed to do. I will remember the people who filled my heart and whom I was able to help in some small way. And I will have known great peace and joy.

 

 

 

Learning To Believe It The First Time

maya-angelou-what-people-show-you-1024x1024[1] I now realize that I have lived my entire life seeing who people really are and then pushing that truth down deep within myself. I have accepted the unacceptable and given people second chances who abused the privilege. I do not mean to say that I am a victim. What I mean is this: I ignore what I don’t want to see and I allow people whom I shouldn’t be involved with to remain in my life.

For example, I was involved with someone who knew I was bisexual yet they made derogatory comments about the LGBT community and became very angry when gay rights were a topic in the news. However, I stayed in the relationship knowing that this person could not tolerate a part of me.

I was once involved with another partner who frequently lied to me. I knew this person was lying. In fact, I caught them in several lies. Yet, I pushed the truth that I knew down deep within myself and stayed.

I have pushed the truth down deep within myself under the guise of “relationships are work” and “you have to accept people the way that they are.” And I have worked it out and accepted the unacceptable to the point of spending years trying to make the unworkable work out.

A few days ago I was talking to a wise friend of mine. She has known me for 18 years and possibly knows me better than I know myself. I say this because when I ran the above musings by her she said something to the effect of: Sounds like a case of fu__ first, ask questions later!” She pointed out that I accepted the unacceptable because I was already emotionally invested in the person before I had gotten to know them. She went on to say that if I had dated someone and this type of thing came up on the second date there wouldn’t have been a third date.

I am now facing the reality that I have never simply dated someone. I automatically jump into the sex part and create a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex without commitment. But, my point is that I make a commitment based on a sexual encounter.

The truth continues to reveal itself. This is why I need to be on my own for a very long time!

 

 

Breaking Up with Compromise

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I’ve recently ended my six year relationship. No, it is not the first time we have broken up. However, this time let’s just say that I saw some things that I couldn’t un-see. This time working it out was not something I could not do. For the most part, it was a wonderful relationship. He is a wonderful person. But, the lows were just too low. And my life will pass so quickly the way everyone’s does. I am not willing to spend it working on something that will never be right no matter how hard I try.

It has been tremendously difficult. On most days I feel as if my body is filled with led and I have to force myself to get out of bed. I really do love him.

Breaking up is not easy

As difficult as it has been, this breakup has caused me to reevaluate my life and what my priorities are. In order to be in this relationship I have compromised truths about myself. The sad thing is he never asked me too. I did it willingly. I did the same thing in my marriage. I also devoted a great deal of my time to him, us, we. I often neglected my other relationships in order to meet the demands of spending time with him.

I am no longer willing to compromise my truths in order to “fit” with a romantic partner. I am no longer willing to tolerate intolerance, narrow-mindedness, self-centeredness, or demands on my time.

For a good long while I need to focus on getting a job in my field, spending time with my family, spending time with my friends, and writing my book. I want no dates, no flirting, no “what if we….” I want to be on my own.

There are some truths about myself that I am coming to terms with. I need to become who I am meant to be. Perhaps I will become comfortable with being a single, childless, middle-aged woman. Perhaps I will become completely content.

Is it possible to become childless by choice?

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With Mother’s Day happening tomorrow, I find myself wondering if it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice. Lately, I find myself feeling grateful that I do not have to share my time with a child. I enjoy being free to pursue my interests and ambitions as I choose. Sometimes, I feel like I am childless by choice.

However, sometimes the old pain of being childless blind sides me. For example, when I recently watched the scene in Noah when Ila (Emma Watson) is miraculously healed of her infertility when Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) lays his hands on her tummy I lost it. That scene messed with me for two days after I saw it. Even though it was only a movie I kept thinking: “Why her and not me?”
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Ila is healed by Methuselah in Noah

That indeed is the question. However, I think I am becoming uninterested in the answer.
Recently at dinner some of my friends were discussing their plans for Mother’s Day. I asked my friend, who happens to be childless, if Mother’s Day ever messed with her. She said: “No. I am here for a greater purpose.” I believe this is true for me. I do not think a child would fit into my life at all at this point. I also cannot imagine attending elementary school functions in my 50’s.
Today, I will celebrate my second annual Not a Mother Day by giving myself some much needed time to work on a writing project that is not related to my school work. I cannot think of a better gift. Writing is my calling. It is my joy. I believe it is a part of my greater purpose.
Let me know what you think.
Click to vote:

Do you think it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice?

The Healing in Letting Go

When I decided to let go of the dream of motherhood I was tired. I was tired of grieving the loss of a person who had never existed. I was tired of searching for someone who understood what I was experiencing. Most of all, I was tired of spending so much of my time being depressed. I was unclear about a lot of things but there was one thing that I was very clear about: I was not given this precious gift of life to be miserable.

When I decided to let go, I prayed to my higher power, who is Kwan Yin the mother of mercy and compassion, every day. I gave her my sorrow and I waited for what she had in store. What unfolded was extraordinary.

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Kwan Yin is the popular bodhisattva prophet whom childless women turn for help.

Some other spiritual work that I had been doing led me to a woman who had experienced infertility for years before she was finally able to conceive her son. I found Lisa Manterfield and her amazing web site and book. I took the Road Map to Healing course that she offered.

Lisa describes exactly what it is like to let go of the dream.

I cannot begin to describe how it felt to know that there were other women who shared my experience. I was not alone.
My healing journey gave me some insights:
1) There are a lot of women who are childless in the world.
2) Society places a great deal of pressure on women to be wives, mothers, and successful in a career.
3) This pressure is a huge problem for women. It causes women to feel as if they can never measure up.
4) Women have to decide for themselves what their value is. Society’s “norm” is unrealistic for many women.

I have decided that my value lies in my ability to be of service to others, in my writing, and in living an authentic life. It may not be a “normal” life but, it is mine!