Whats Out &Whats In for 2017: The Year of Fruition

I DEEM 2017 THE YEAR OF FRUITION

2017

I deemed 2016 as The Year of Transition. 

I had no idea how right I was!

This year I: Came out as bisexual, met the love of my life (I honestly had no idea she would be so amazing!), realized that I am actually a lesbian and have always been and that that is a big reason my relationships with men never worked, let go of toxic people, adopted two adult daughters (they are such a blessing!), introduced my girlfriend to my Mom(!), changed sponsors twice, was privileged to watch my dear friend make progress with her health challenge, and started an internship that I enjoy.

And I remained open as I said I would last year. I let go of expectations as best as I could. And I faced my fear.

The results are obvious:

  • I found deep, profound, true love. Unconditional adoring, hot, connected at the soul level love! And my Mother is happy for me! And my other family members and friends are happy for me! I denied my true self for decades because I was afraid of rejection. When I decided to risk facing that fear what I found was acceptance.
  • I became a second Mother to two adult daughters. I never thought that I would be a Mother in at all because I thought it had to happen in a traditional way. But I let go of that expectation and found profound healing and a great blessing.
  • After years of struggle, I finally let intuition guide me and made some hard decisions that needed to be made. I was afraid of hurting some people’s feelings. However, what happened was I ended up having great peace of mind and guidance.

So, once again my plan for the New Year is to REMAIN OPEN. No expectations.

What’s Out and what’s In for 2017:

the-list

OUT

Tradition

Anger

Frustration

Speaking negatively

Taking on more than I can handle

Not asking for help

Eating bad food

Neglecting myself

IN

Taking care of myself

Saying no when I need to

Speaking positively

Boldness

Being authentic in all things

Getting more sleep

Peace

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Making time to write

Travel

Eating well

I get that the current landscape of our world is uncertain going into 2017. But I believe life is what we make it. Remember: We are all in this together. This year will be as great as we choose for it to be!

 

Advertisements

The Things That Matter Most

TSarah and Tara VA Beach

Love is what matters 

This weekend, I’m in Hampton, VA visiting two friends that mean a lot to me. We went site seeing in Virginia Beach today and have plans to visit a Buddhist temple tomorrow. It has been such a pleasure to spend time with them. They are in my tribe. They are wiser than they realize.

Tonight at dinner my friend Sarah said something that really resonated with me. She said: “You know, people are so interested in chasing and getting things. But all I want is to be happy. I want peace and happiness. You know? That’s what’s important. That’s what I care about.”

After I dropped my friends off, I turned Sarah’s words over in my mind. As I was driving I had an epiphany: I have lost my focus.

Since my break up, I have realized a lot of truths of late. However, in the midst of managing my crisis, I forgot the greatest truth: I must focus on the things that matter most.

  1. Showing up for the people in my life and being of service in whatever way I can.
  2. The deep and abiding joy and peace that is the greatest blessing from my Goddesses Kwan Yin and Green Tara.
  3. Loving the amazing people that fill my life and spending as much time with them as possible.

When my short life is over, I will not remember the days I spent pursuing a living or what I failed to do. I will remember the people who filled my heart and whom I was able to help in some small way. And I will have known great peace and joy.

 

 

 

Learning To Believe It The First Time

maya-angelou-what-people-show-you-1024x1024[1] I now realize that I have lived my entire life seeing who people really are and then pushing that truth down deep within myself. I have accepted the unacceptable and given people second chances who abused the privilege. I do not mean to say that I am a victim. What I mean is this: I ignore what I don’t want to see and I allow people whom I shouldn’t be involved with to remain in my life.

For example, I was involved with someone who knew I was bisexual yet they made derogatory comments about the LGBT community and became very angry when gay rights were a topic in the news. However, I stayed in the relationship knowing that this person could not tolerate a part of me.

I was once involved with another partner who frequently lied to me. I knew this person was lying. In fact, I caught them in several lies. Yet, I pushed the truth that I knew down deep within myself and stayed.

I have pushed the truth down deep within myself under the guise of “relationships are work” and “you have to accept people the way that they are.” And I have worked it out and accepted the unacceptable to the point of spending years trying to make the unworkable work out.

A few days ago I was talking to a wise friend of mine. She has known me for 18 years and possibly knows me better than I know myself. I say this because when I ran the above musings by her she said something to the effect of: Sounds like a case of fu__ first, ask questions later!” She pointed out that I accepted the unacceptable because I was already emotionally invested in the person before I had gotten to know them. She went on to say that if I had dated someone and this type of thing came up on the second date there wouldn’t have been a third date.

I am now facing the reality that I have never simply dated someone. I automatically jump into the sex part and create a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex without commitment. But, my point is that I make a commitment based on a sexual encounter.

The truth continues to reveal itself. This is why I need to be on my own for a very long time!

 

 

The truth is coming out

PrintThe truth is coming out

Since my recent breakup, I struggle with living in the world. It’s as if I am watching someone else live my life. And then there’s the whole not wanting to get out of bed thing. However, I get up every day. I run my business and search for a job in my field (I completed a bachelor’s in Communications last year). I spend time with my friends and family. I don’t give in to the insistent urge to stay in bed with the curtains drawn.  

In the midst of the struggle new truths are being revealed to me. And old truths that I have long hidden from the world surface, refusing to lay dormant any longer. I’m not sure if I believe everything “happens for a reason”. What I know is this: sometimes the foundation of your life must crumble in order for new things to be born. When this happens, things get really real, really fast. When the foundation crumbles the truth will come out.

New truths:

  • I have chosen all of my romantic partners based on their interest in me. I liked the attention so much that I based relationships on it!
  • I jumped into all of my relationships very quickly. I’ve never simply dated. One evening I’m spending the night with someone and a short time later we are living together. I then spend the relationship getting to know them and struggling to make it work.
  • I have participated in both of the above behaviors based on low self-esteem and wanting someone else to “fill” a void in me.
  •  I no longer suffer from low self-esteem and the “void” has been filled by my spiritual path.

Old truths

  • I am bisexual. This has been my deepest secret. I have hidden this from all but a few close friends since I was in my late teens. I have been deeply afraid of losing people that I love. I am terrified of losing my family. It has been very easy to “pass as straight” since my last two long term relationships were with men. However, now that the foundation in my life has crumbled, I can no longer suppress nor hide my truth in order to “fit” with someone else’s ideals. I do not write this to be provocative. I do not want to date anyone for a long time!  I am simply sick of pretending. I hope I can be accepted even if I am not understood.

There are a lot of myths in both the heterosexual  & the LBGT community. Liz busts those myths!

  •  I am an open minded, peace loving, equal rights Buddhist. I love everybody! I find intolerance of any kind soul crushing. I die a little if I spend a lot of time with someone who is intolerant of those who are different from them. I am no longer able to compromise my values in order to “fit”. I do accept that others have different opinions and beliefs from me. However, when they are intolerant of others I now have to love them from a distance and keep them in my prayers.

I sincerely hope that in revealing these truths someone out there will gain something they need from my experience. I hope it encourages someone to live their truth. After all, if my experience can’t help someone else then what is it for?

Please subscribe to my blog!

The Healing in Letting Go

When I decided to let go of the dream of motherhood I was tired. I was tired of grieving the loss of a person who had never existed. I was tired of searching for someone who understood what I was experiencing. Most of all, I was tired of spending so much of my time being depressed. I was unclear about a lot of things but there was one thing that I was very clear about: I was not given this precious gift of life to be miserable.

When I decided to let go, I prayed to my higher power, who is Kwan Yin the mother of mercy and compassion, every day. I gave her my sorrow and I waited for what she had in store. What unfolded was extraordinary.

imagesMMHYL5GR
Kwan Yin is the popular bodhisattva prophet whom childless women turn for help.

Some other spiritual work that I had been doing led me to a woman who had experienced infertility for years before she was finally able to conceive her son. I found Lisa Manterfield and her amazing web site and book. I took the Road Map to Healing course that she offered.

Lisa describes exactly what it is like to let go of the dream.

I cannot begin to describe how it felt to know that there were other women who shared my experience. I was not alone.
My healing journey gave me some insights:
1) There are a lot of women who are childless in the world.
2) Society places a great deal of pressure on women to be wives, mothers, and successful in a career.
3) This pressure is a huge problem for women. It causes women to feel as if they can never measure up.
4) Women have to decide for themselves what their value is. Society’s “norm” is unrealistic for many women.

I have decided that my value lies in my ability to be of service to others, in my writing, and in living an authentic life. It may not be a “normal” life but, it is mine!

2013: The Year of Transformation, 2014: No Expectations

IMG_0917

I will always remember 2013 as the Year of Transformation.  I learned and grew a lot last year.  I made it through my first year of college and maintained a 3.8 GPA!!!  I let go of the dream of becoming a mother officially.   I witnessed my brother marry the love of his life.  I went on a fabulous vacation with my darling on his motor cycle!  I put my beloved cat of 13 years, Mona to sleep after she was diagnosed with oral cancer.  I ended my relationship with my darling.  I started a new relationship with my darling that is deeper and more wonderful than I could have imagined!  I reconnected with friends from my present and from my past.  I feel as if I completed a cycle and began a new one.  I found a deep connection to my Goddess, Kwan Yin. 

I don’t make “New Year’s Resolutions”.  I gave that tradition up a decade ago.  However, I do think of the year that has past and I decide what I would like to be rid of in the New Year. 

These are the things I want to let go of in 2014:

Believing I am not good enough

Doubting that my higher power

Believing I am being victimized by others

Anger

Frustration

Fear

Being judgmental

Trying to control others

Self-doubt

Comparing myself to others

Self-centeredness

I have no expectations for 2014.  I simply hope to live life fully and make it to 2015!  My goal for the New Year is to be more loving and kind.  I want to be of service to others more often.  I want to see the world with my heart instead of my mind.  If I can live my life in such a way, I will live fully indeed!     

 

 

Fitting In (First published 6/14/13)

(My first 6 blog posts were somehow erased. I have no idea how. For those who are interested, I am re-publishing them now. I will create a brand new post later this week)
I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately. I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions. Most of the time, I am fine with that. Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me. This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother. Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children. My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?! You’re lucky you don’t have kids!” When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption. In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it. I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about? Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex-husband? Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption? These are the answers that I have come up with: 1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was. 2) My ex-husband was my first love. I believe in true love. I wanted to believe he would change if I did. That was a huge mistake. 3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in. I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like everyone else. I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly. Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless. I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double wide trailer that is in need of many repairs. I own a business. I am a full time college student. From an outsiders point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim. It does not fit.
This is my truth: I am happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin. On most days I have a great deal of serenity. I don’t worry about my future. I no longer stress about my finances. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside. I do not doubt that I deserve the best. I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships every day. I am kind. I enjoy living immensely!
In regards to fitting in, Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “If you choose to lead your life just like eve… The road most traveled by is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us. If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!