2018 INTENTIONS

DSZQkZJUIAU8CHU

2017 was incredibly exciting, fun, and a bit terrifying.

Last year I:

  • Spent a lot of time I praying Jo wouldn’t die. She almost died in my arms once. And she spent the entire month of March into the first week of April in the hospital.
  • Moved to Richmond to live with my soul mate! This meant not seeing my Mom every day as well as leaving my family and friends. However, my Mother, family and friends could not be happier for me and I couldn’t be happier period. I travel the short distance home frequently.
  • Started a new job and shut down the business I had owned and operated for a 8 years
  • Saw PJ Harvey in concert for the third time. Thanks Amy!
  • Traveled a lot with Jo. Our trips included Williamsburg, York Town, the Eastern Shore, and New York City!
  • GOT ENGAGED (!) at the huge Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, and met Cyndi Lauper on the trip to New York City! It was the most incredible vacation of my life!
  • Experienced the sting of homophobia and acceptance all within the same holiday season. Jo’s family disowned her because she and I posted pictures of us getting engaged on Facebook. They have known she is a lesbian for 38+ years. This meant no phone calls, texts or invites from her family on Christmas. To say she was devastated by their reaction to our joy is an understatement. However, my family has only known I am gay for a year and a half. They completely embraced Jo with open arms. My amazing Mother told her she has a new family now. To receive complete acceptance from my family is the greatest of many blessings I have been given. I kept my true sexual identity hidden for decades because I was afraid of losing my family. Instead, what I was really doing was denying them the opportunity to accept me.
  • I forgot who I really am. I got angry, judged those who are sick and bashed them. I did this constantly with our current president and those who hurt the ones I love. I got righteously pissed off! I posted negative things on social media and spit out hate plenty. I forgot that I am a spiritual being, a Buddhist, and a bringer of peace.
  • I participated in some nonreciprocal friendships. I went above and beyond, reached out, ran errands, rescued, and sacrificed my time and energy for people who didn’t care about me really. Either because they are sick or because I made a bigger deal out of our friendship than they did. These people reached out a little or did me a small kindness just so I would stay on the “back burner” in case they needed me.

 

 

 

 

 

MY INTENTIONS 2018:

  • Allow my deities Guanyin and Green Tara to take the lead in all I do, to stay out of their way and allow life to unfold.
  • Trust that everything that happens or is happening is for my good.
  • Be in and apart of the flow of life and allow the process to be as it is without trying to change it.
  • Raise my voice in irritation less.
  • Act, speak, and think positively even when I don’t feel like it and even when it is difficult.
  • Allow others to have their own experience without interfering.
  • Only participate in friendships with people who return my calls, texts, and efforts to stay connected, who want to see me and have a genuine interest in who I am and not what I can give them.
  • Living in the present moment instead of fearing the future.
  • Look at my phone less and engage with people.
  • Planning my wedding and honeymoon!
  • Traveling a lot!
  • Celebrate my joy with Jo every day!
  • Be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and partner
  • Be a force of love, compassion, and peace even when I don’t feel like it and even when it is difficult.

I wish for ALL of you to experience love, joy, and serenity this year! Happy 2018!

 

Advertisements

Remain Open

Epiphanies come upon me of late like waves crashing on the shore. Within the past few weeks I have come to understand that I have been standing in my own way.

I mostly have done this through my impossible expectations. I will have a picture in my mind of how things are supposed to be.

I will fall off of the edge and into the pit of dark despair when the picture never comes to fruition. I set expectations for myself that are not humanly possible to meet.

With people I will not trust what I see and know within myself about them because I want to believe the picture I create of them more than I want to know the truth they show me. When I can no longer push the truth down and it doesn’t match the picture I have created, I feel betrayed. I feel like I have failed.

Iyanla Vanzant sums up the reason my relationships failed

My only goal right now is to remain open. As a result, I am very sensitive and emotional lately. I find myself getting choked up and/or crying easily.

I am profoundly afraid. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen or what I am doing. I never really did. I don’t think anyone does. However, up until very recently, I had those pictures that I had created. And I thought I was headed toward them.

My heart has been cracked wide open. I will allow it to remain so. Sprit has been guiding me to simply BE OPEN. So, I will simply be afraid. I will be confused. I will cry or become teary. I won’t apologize for it. I believe I am being guided to truly embrace all that happens instead of resisting it.

Epiphanies while driving last week