We Are Sacred

childless rock

A couple of years ago, I decided to make the day before Mother’s Day my own personal day. I’ve decided to call it My Other’s Day instead of Not a Mother Day. My Other’s Day has a more positive ring to it don’t ya think? 🙂 I realized quite some time ago that as a childless woman there is no celebration for me or those who are like me.

Childless women nurture the world by giving of their time and energy. We are the ones who pick up the slack, drive sick friends to appointments, rescue those in need, volunteer at various charities and organizations, answer the phone calls in the middle of the night, take the nieces and nephews to give the parents a much needed break. We are the confidants, the ones who can be trusted to show up when no one else is able. We stand in when a “Mom” is needed and the biological one is unable to be present (these are the moments we treasure). We are the friends you can always count on. And we still show up to help the Mother’s in our lives celebrate the children they were blessed with. We like the countless Facebook photos of cute babies and kids that Mom’s proudly post. We, celebrate birthdays, births, and milestones. We spend hundreds of dollars a year on gifts for the precious children that are not our own. And we love each and every one of those children with our whole hearts. We really get how special and important they are!

Women who are childless not by choice are sacred beings. We give of the time we have that is not filled with caring for children without asking for acknowledgement, gifts, or praise.

 

sisterhood

 

To all of my sisters who did not get to be mothers: take today and acknowledge yourself. Do something nice for yourself. The world could not function without the contributions you make.

And please know how very special and important you are to me!

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Learning To Believe It The First Time

maya-angelou-what-people-show-you-1024x1024[1] I now realize that I have lived my entire life seeing who people really are and then pushing that truth down deep within myself. I have accepted the unacceptable and given people second chances who abused the privilege. I do not mean to say that I am a victim. What I mean is this: I ignore what I don’t want to see and I allow people whom I shouldn’t be involved with to remain in my life.

For example, I was involved with someone who knew I was bisexual yet they made derogatory comments about the LGBT community and became very angry when gay rights were a topic in the news. However, I stayed in the relationship knowing that this person could not tolerate a part of me.

I was once involved with another partner who frequently lied to me. I knew this person was lying. In fact, I caught them in several lies. Yet, I pushed the truth that I knew down deep within myself and stayed.

I have pushed the truth down deep within myself under the guise of “relationships are work” and “you have to accept people the way that they are.” And I have worked it out and accepted the unacceptable to the point of spending years trying to make the unworkable work out.

A few days ago I was talking to a wise friend of mine. She has known me for 18 years and possibly knows me better than I know myself. I say this because when I ran the above musings by her she said something to the effect of: Sounds like a case of fu__ first, ask questions later!” She pointed out that I accepted the unacceptable because I was already emotionally invested in the person before I had gotten to know them. She went on to say that if I had dated someone and this type of thing came up on the second date there wouldn’t have been a third date.

I am now facing the reality that I have never simply dated someone. I automatically jump into the sex part and create a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex without commitment. But, my point is that I make a commitment based on a sexual encounter.

The truth continues to reveal itself. This is why I need to be on my own for a very long time!

 

 

The truth is coming out

PrintThe truth is coming out

Since my recent breakup, I struggle with living in the world. It’s as if I am watching someone else live my life. And then there’s the whole not wanting to get out of bed thing. However, I get up every day. I run my business and search for a job in my field (I completed a bachelor’s in Communications last year). I spend time with my friends and family. I don’t give in to the insistent urge to stay in bed with the curtains drawn.  

In the midst of the struggle new truths are being revealed to me. And old truths that I have long hidden from the world surface, refusing to lay dormant any longer. I’m not sure if I believe everything “happens for a reason”. What I know is this: sometimes the foundation of your life must crumble in order for new things to be born. When this happens, things get really real, really fast. When the foundation crumbles the truth will come out.

New truths:

  • I have chosen all of my romantic partners based on their interest in me. I liked the attention so much that I based relationships on it!
  • I jumped into all of my relationships very quickly. I’ve never simply dated. One evening I’m spending the night with someone and a short time later we are living together. I then spend the relationship getting to know them and struggling to make it work.
  • I have participated in both of the above behaviors based on low self-esteem and wanting someone else to “fill” a void in me.
  •  I no longer suffer from low self-esteem and the “void” has been filled by my spiritual path.

Old truths

  • I am bisexual. This has been my deepest secret. I have hidden this from all but a few close friends since I was in my late teens. I have been deeply afraid of losing people that I love. I am terrified of losing my family. It has been very easy to “pass as straight” since my last two long term relationships were with men. However, now that the foundation in my life has crumbled, I can no longer suppress nor hide my truth in order to “fit” with someone else’s ideals. I do not write this to be provocative. I do not want to date anyone for a long time!  I am simply sick of pretending. I hope I can be accepted even if I am not understood.

There are a lot of myths in both the heterosexual  & the LBGT community. Liz busts those myths!

  •  I am an open minded, peace loving, equal rights Buddhist. I love everybody! I find intolerance of any kind soul crushing. I die a little if I spend a lot of time with someone who is intolerant of those who are different from them. I am no longer able to compromise my values in order to “fit”. I do accept that others have different opinions and beliefs from me. However, when they are intolerant of others I now have to love them from a distance and keep them in my prayers.

I sincerely hope that in revealing these truths someone out there will gain something they need from my experience. I hope it encourages someone to live their truth. After all, if my experience can’t help someone else then what is it for?

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Breaking Up with Compromise

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I’ve recently ended my six year relationship. No, it is not the first time we have broken up. However, this time let’s just say that I saw some things that I couldn’t un-see. This time working it out was not something I could not do. For the most part, it was a wonderful relationship. He is a wonderful person. But, the lows were just too low. And my life will pass so quickly the way everyone’s does. I am not willing to spend it working on something that will never be right no matter how hard I try.

It has been tremendously difficult. On most days I feel as if my body is filled with led and I have to force myself to get out of bed. I really do love him.

Breaking up is not easy

As difficult as it has been, this breakup has caused me to reevaluate my life and what my priorities are. In order to be in this relationship I have compromised truths about myself. The sad thing is he never asked me too. I did it willingly. I did the same thing in my marriage. I also devoted a great deal of my time to him, us, we. I often neglected my other relationships in order to meet the demands of spending time with him.

I am no longer willing to compromise my truths in order to “fit” with a romantic partner. I am no longer willing to tolerate intolerance, narrow-mindedness, self-centeredness, or demands on my time.

For a good long while I need to focus on getting a job in my field, spending time with my family, spending time with my friends, and writing my book. I want no dates, no flirting, no “what if we….” I want to be on my own.

There are some truths about myself that I am coming to terms with. I need to become who I am meant to be. Perhaps I will become comfortable with being a single, childless, middle-aged woman. Perhaps I will become completely content.

2014: The Year of Awesome!

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I honestly feel that 2014 was the best year of my life thus far. Of course, there were many challenges. The year began with:
A dear friend being hospitalized
My mother breaking her ankle and me becoming her sole care giver while she bravely recovered
My father/brother/friend of 12 years dying from cancer

Yet, I did not “go to the dark side”. I took the advice of the woman I do spiritual work with and I delved deeper into my spirituality. I started meditating upon awaking in the morning. This act alone has changed my life in the most profound ways.
I also accomplished:
Earning my green sash in Kung Fu
Completing my bachelor’s degree in Communications with a Concentration in Professional Writing

I will graduate with honors.
I also feel like my relationships have become stronger. I don’t take things personally nearly as often. I love my darling John more deeply every day. I am able to allow him to be who he is without wanting him to be any other way.
While John and I were driving home from celebrating a friend’s birthday this evening I was struck by how profoundly happy I am. I had an epiphany: I could not have the serenity that I have or the relationships that I have currently without the experience of losing my marriage and not getting to have a child. This truth reaches deep into my core.
That does not mean that I do not still cry or feel an emptiness that only those who are childless by circumstance can understand at times. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I do not want that life anymore. There is no room in my life for a child. However, I would marry John if he asked:)

Have I become childless by choice? Or am I still childless by circumstance?

The answer is: I am both. I will forever grieve the child I did not have and I am grateful that my life is mine to live as I choose without the burden of taking care of a little person.

Life Without Baby founder Lisa Manterfield interview’s Gateway Women founder Jody Day

Jody says her grief has made her heart bigger

I have learned that nothing in this world fits neatly into a category least of all feelings. Life is a great paradox.
I have no idea what 2015 will bring. I no longer have a plan. I hope to find a job in my field, finish the rough draft of the first book in the trilogy I am writing, and spend a lot more time with my loved ones. At the age of 46, my life is just beginning.
I hope everyone has a year filled with blessings and joy!

Is it possible to become childless by choice?

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With Mother’s Day happening tomorrow, I find myself wondering if it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice. Lately, I find myself feeling grateful that I do not have to share my time with a child. I enjoy being free to pursue my interests and ambitions as I choose. Sometimes, I feel like I am childless by choice.

However, sometimes the old pain of being childless blind sides me. For example, when I recently watched the scene in Noah when Ila (Emma Watson) is miraculously healed of her infertility when Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) lays his hands on her tummy I lost it. That scene messed with me for two days after I saw it. Even though it was only a movie I kept thinking: “Why her and not me?”
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Ila is healed by Methuselah in Noah

That indeed is the question. However, I think I am becoming uninterested in the answer.
Recently at dinner some of my friends were discussing their plans for Mother’s Day. I asked my friend, who happens to be childless, if Mother’s Day ever messed with her. She said: “No. I am here for a greater purpose.” I believe this is true for me. I do not think a child would fit into my life at all at this point. I also cannot imagine attending elementary school functions in my 50’s.
Today, I will celebrate my second annual Not a Mother Day by giving myself some much needed time to work on a writing project that is not related to my school work. I cannot think of a better gift. Writing is my calling. It is my joy. I believe it is a part of my greater purpose.
Let me know what you think.
Click to vote:

Do you think it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice?

Square Peg

Trying to "fit in" is often like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.

Trying to “fit in” is often like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.


I am forty five, divorced, and childless. I do not fit society’s definition of what is “normal” for a woman my age. After my marriage ended, I knew that the traditional route in life was not mine. I would not be the mother, the wife, the home owner. I became comfortable with not “fitting in.”
Author Elizabeth Gilbert is successful, happy, and childless

Author Elizabeth Gilbert is successful, happy, and childless

I have become used to the strange and often cruel responses that people give me when I tell them that I am divorced but that I don’t have any children.
The top 10 responses are:
1) Didn’t you try IVF?
2) Are you a lesbian?
3) You can still adopt, you’re not too old.
4) You waited too long
5) That is so selfish!
6) My cousin’s best friend’s sister got pregnant when she was 50 from taking these herbs!
7) You have your dogs!
8) Who will take care of you when you’re old? Have you thought about that?
9) At least you have a boyfriend so you’re not alone.
10) God doesn’t see fit to bless everybody with children.
For the record, none of these responses is helpful. It is in bad taste to ever say any of these things to a woman who is childless.

I am curious about what you think.