Learning To Believe It The First Time

maya-angelou-what-people-show-you-1024x1024[1] I now realize that I have lived my entire life seeing who people really are and then pushing that truth down deep within myself. I have accepted the unacceptable and given people second chances who abused the privilege. I do not mean to say that I am a victim. What I mean is this: I ignore what I don’t want to see and I allow people whom I shouldn’t be involved with to remain in my life.

For example, I was involved with someone who knew I was bisexual yet they made derogatory comments about the LGBT community and became very angry when gay rights were a topic in the news. However, I stayed in the relationship knowing that this person could not tolerate a part of me.

I was once involved with another partner who frequently lied to me. I knew this person was lying. In fact, I caught them in several lies. Yet, I pushed the truth that I knew down deep within myself and stayed.

I have pushed the truth down deep within myself under the guise of “relationships are work” and “you have to accept people the way that they are.” And I have worked it out and accepted the unacceptable to the point of spending years trying to make the unworkable work out.

A few days ago I was talking to a wise friend of mine. She has known me for 18 years and possibly knows me better than I know myself. I say this because when I ran the above musings by her she said something to the effect of: Sounds like a case of fu__ first, ask questions later!” She pointed out that I accepted the unacceptable because I was already emotionally invested in the person before I had gotten to know them. She went on to say that if I had dated someone and this type of thing came up on the second date there wouldn’t have been a third date.

I am now facing the reality that I have never simply dated someone. I automatically jump into the sex part and create a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex without commitment. But, my point is that I make a commitment based on a sexual encounter.

The truth continues to reveal itself. This is why I need to be on my own for a very long time!

 

 

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2014: The Year of Awesome!

selfishbitch[1]

I honestly feel that 2014 was the best year of my life thus far. Of course, there were many challenges. The year began with:
A dear friend being hospitalized
My mother breaking her ankle and me becoming her sole care giver while she bravely recovered
My father/brother/friend of 12 years dying from cancer

Yet, I did not “go to the dark side”. I took the advice of the woman I do spiritual work with and I delved deeper into my spirituality. I started meditating upon awaking in the morning. This act alone has changed my life in the most profound ways.
I also accomplished:
Earning my green sash in Kung Fu
Completing my bachelor’s degree in Communications with a Concentration in Professional Writing

I will graduate with honors.
I also feel like my relationships have become stronger. I don’t take things personally nearly as often. I love my darling John more deeply every day. I am able to allow him to be who he is without wanting him to be any other way.
While John and I were driving home from celebrating a friend’s birthday this evening I was struck by how profoundly happy I am. I had an epiphany: I could not have the serenity that I have or the relationships that I have currently without the experience of losing my marriage and not getting to have a child. This truth reaches deep into my core.
That does not mean that I do not still cry or feel an emptiness that only those who are childless by circumstance can understand at times. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I do not want that life anymore. There is no room in my life for a child. However, I would marry John if he asked:)

Have I become childless by choice? Or am I still childless by circumstance?

The answer is: I am both. I will forever grieve the child I did not have and I am grateful that my life is mine to live as I choose without the burden of taking care of a little person.

Life Without Baby founder Lisa Manterfield interview’s Gateway Women founder Jody Day

Jody says her grief has made her heart bigger

I have learned that nothing in this world fits neatly into a category least of all feelings. Life is a great paradox.
I have no idea what 2015 will bring. I no longer have a plan. I hope to find a job in my field, finish the rough draft of the first book in the trilogy I am writing, and spend a lot more time with my loved ones. At the age of 46, my life is just beginning.
I hope everyone has a year filled with blessings and joy!