Learning To Believe It The First Time

maya-angelou-what-people-show-you-1024x1024[1] I now realize that I have lived my entire life seeing who people really are and then pushing that truth down deep within myself. I have accepted the unacceptable and given people second chances who abused the privilege. I do not mean to say that I am a victim. What I mean is this: I ignore what I don’t want to see and I allow people whom I shouldn’t be involved with to remain in my life.

For example, I was involved with someone who knew I was bisexual yet they made derogatory comments about the LGBT community and became very angry when gay rights were a topic in the news. However, I stayed in the relationship knowing that this person could not tolerate a part of me.

I was once involved with another partner who frequently lied to me. I knew this person was lying. In fact, I caught them in several lies. Yet, I pushed the truth that I knew down deep within myself and stayed.

I have pushed the truth down deep within myself under the guise of “relationships are work” and “you have to accept people the way that they are.” And I have worked it out and accepted the unacceptable to the point of spending years trying to make the unworkable work out.

A few days ago I was talking to a wise friend of mine. She has known me for 18 years and possibly knows me better than I know myself. I say this because when I ran the above musings by her she said something to the effect of: Sounds like a case of fu__ first, ask questions later!” She pointed out that I accepted the unacceptable because I was already emotionally invested in the person before I had gotten to know them. She went on to say that if I had dated someone and this type of thing came up on the second date there wouldn’t have been a third date.

I am now facing the reality that I have never simply dated someone. I automatically jump into the sex part and create a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having sex without commitment. But, my point is that I make a commitment based on a sexual encounter.

The truth continues to reveal itself. This is why I need to be on my own for a very long time!

 

 

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The truth is coming out

PrintThe truth is coming out

Since my recent breakup, I struggle with living in the world. It’s as if I am watching someone else live my life. And then there’s the whole not wanting to get out of bed thing. However, I get up every day. I run my business and search for a job in my field (I completed a bachelor’s in Communications last year). I spend time with my friends and family. I don’t give in to the insistent urge to stay in bed with the curtains drawn.  

In the midst of the struggle new truths are being revealed to me. And old truths that I have long hidden from the world surface, refusing to lay dormant any longer. I’m not sure if I believe everything “happens for a reason”. What I know is this: sometimes the foundation of your life must crumble in order for new things to be born. When this happens, things get really real, really fast. When the foundation crumbles the truth will come out.

New truths:

  • I have chosen all of my romantic partners based on their interest in me. I liked the attention so much that I based relationships on it!
  • I jumped into all of my relationships very quickly. I’ve never simply dated. One evening I’m spending the night with someone and a short time later we are living together. I then spend the relationship getting to know them and struggling to make it work.
  • I have participated in both of the above behaviors based on low self-esteem and wanting someone else to “fill” a void in me.
  •  I no longer suffer from low self-esteem and the “void” has been filled by my spiritual path.

Old truths

  • I am bisexual. This has been my deepest secret. I have hidden this from all but a few close friends since I was in my late teens. I have been deeply afraid of losing people that I love. I am terrified of losing my family. It has been very easy to “pass as straight” since my last two long term relationships were with men. However, now that the foundation in my life has crumbled, I can no longer suppress nor hide my truth in order to “fit” with someone else’s ideals. I do not write this to be provocative. I do not want to date anyone for a long time!  I am simply sick of pretending. I hope I can be accepted even if I am not understood.

There are a lot of myths in both the heterosexual  & the LBGT community. Liz busts those myths!

  •  I am an open minded, peace loving, equal rights Buddhist. I love everybody! I find intolerance of any kind soul crushing. I die a little if I spend a lot of time with someone who is intolerant of those who are different from them. I am no longer able to compromise my values in order to “fit”. I do accept that others have different opinions and beliefs from me. However, when they are intolerant of others I now have to love them from a distance and keep them in my prayers.

I sincerely hope that in revealing these truths someone out there will gain something they need from my experience. I hope it encourages someone to live their truth. After all, if my experience can’t help someone else then what is it for?

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Depression is a tricky mistress

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I have had depression since childhood. (I say “have had” because I absolutely cannot tolerate it when someone uses the term “suffers from depression”. I mean honestly, when someone has heart disease no one says “she suffers from heart disease.”) Only in those days, no one understood childhood depression. After my father died when I was 10 I was sent to therapy. However, I still didn’t “behave correctly”. Some people told my mother that I was spoiled and needed my “butt whipped”. They said this within ear shot of me. As a teenager and an adult I had people tell me things like: “It’s not that big of a deal”. “Just get up and get outside”. “It will pass”. And my all-time favorite: “Why can’t you just snap out of it?”
The reality is that all of these people meant well in their own way. People naturally want to “fix it.” When they can’t they get frustrated. It’s human nature not cruelty.
The recent suicide of Robin Williams has brought a lot of attention to depression. The Mayo Clinic’s definition for depression:
“Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn’t worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply “snap out” of.”
In other words: when you are experiencing depression you are not your true self. Life has no meaning.
In my experience:
1) Depression is a dark, all consuming hole of pain and emptiness that crushes your soul. It feels like you are trapped and nothing will ever set you free. Nothing that any or your loved ones say or do can make it better and this makes you feel incredibly guilty. This guilt causes you to worry. The worry causes you to feel anxious. It runs around and round in your head until it’s all you can think about. It is the worst sadness. It breaks your heart.
2) Depression runs in cycles. I once went an entire year without any depressive symptoms when I was un-treated.
3) Depression makes you secretive. Honestly, who wants to confess to the people in their life that they have given up all hope and want to die?
4) Depression hurts. Literally. For me, when my depression was untreated I had body aches, headaches, stomach aches, insomnia, and fatigue.

Depression is a tricky mistress. She seduces you into believing that you are all alone. Yet, when you consider reaching out she isolates you by telling you no one understands.
I wish I had a magic answer or explanation as to why some of us survive and others don’t. What I do know is that having depression does not make me weak and getting treatment is the best thing that I ever did. I have had very successful treatment for my depression for about four years now. I see a doctor of

Is it possible to become childless by choice?

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With Mother’s Day happening tomorrow, I find myself wondering if it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice. Lately, I find myself feeling grateful that I do not have to share my time with a child. I enjoy being free to pursue my interests and ambitions as I choose. Sometimes, I feel like I am childless by choice.

However, sometimes the old pain of being childless blind sides me. For example, when I recently watched the scene in Noah when Ila (Emma Watson) is miraculously healed of her infertility when Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) lays his hands on her tummy I lost it. That scene messed with me for two days after I saw it. Even though it was only a movie I kept thinking: “Why her and not me?”
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Ila is healed by Methuselah in Noah

That indeed is the question. However, I think I am becoming uninterested in the answer.
Recently at dinner some of my friends were discussing their plans for Mother’s Day. I asked my friend, who happens to be childless, if Mother’s Day ever messed with her. She said: “No. I am here for a greater purpose.” I believe this is true for me. I do not think a child would fit into my life at all at this point. I also cannot imagine attending elementary school functions in my 50’s.
Today, I will celebrate my second annual Not a Mother Day by giving myself some much needed time to work on a writing project that is not related to my school work. I cannot think of a better gift. Writing is my calling. It is my joy. I believe it is a part of my greater purpose.
Let me know what you think.
Click to vote:

Do you think it is possible to go from being childless not by choice to being childless by choice?

Letting Life Happen

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My darling and I recently reconciled.  I know that it is the right and best life decision that I could have made.  As I said before, he is wonderful.  He is willing to what it takes to correct the mistakes of the past.  He does not hold the past againest me.  These are rare qualities in a human being. 

The process of taking a hiatus from my relationship has caused me to take a deep look my baggage.  It has caused me to take a deep look at how I want to live my life.   One of the things that I found still stuffed deep into the bottom of my bag, was my fear of repeating the same patterns from past realtionships.  I had a deep fear of being victimized and taken advantage of.  Being with abusive men is a big part of my past.  After my divorce, I realized my husband had been verbally and emotionally abusing me during our entire marriage.   When the debris of the end of my marriage settled, I decided that I would not ever allow myself to be abused in any way ever again.  I worked on my issues.  I put up a wall.  I made sure it was guarded at all times.  However, I forgot to trust  my higher power, myself and my intuition.  I did not give myself credit for all of the work I had done to heal.  I did not trust that my higher power (whom I chose to call Kwan Yin) had my back.  The break in my relationship caused me to connect more deeply with Kwan Yin.  In doing so, I began to understand that I can relax.  She is with me.  I can trust my intuition to guide me because she is speaking to me through my intuition. 

I have come to the conclusion that I must let go of life.  I can not live a guarded life.  Nor do I want to anymore.  I want to live with an open heart loving fully and completly.  I am terrified to do this!!!  But, I think its worth the risk.  

Chocolate World’s Special Purpose (First Published 7/27/13)

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(My first 6 blog posts were somehow erased. I have no idea how. For those who are interested, I am re-publishing them now. I will create a brand new post later this week)
My darling boyfriend and I recently went on a vacation to Hershey/ Harrisburg, PA to attend the Stars Days 2013 Yamaha Star motorcycle convention. My boyfriend bought a Yamaha Star a few months ago. Pennsylvania does not have helmet laws. Yes, I loved riding without a helmet!!! No, I did not think about dying. No, I wasn’t scared. It was fabulous! While we were there, we went on a group ride to Hershey’s Chocolate World! It was fun riding to a new place and getting to know new people with my beloved. As is often the case, I was the only person present without children. As usual, my higher power whom I choose to call Kwan Yin had something unexpected in store for me. When we started the tour of Chocolate world, there was a lot of information listed about Milton Hershey. I read about half of it and I was about to skip the..Catherine, or “Kitty” as she was known to those who knew her well caught my eye and I read the following words: “One of Catherine and Milton’s greatest disappointments was that they had no children.” I stopped in my tracks. I stood there and read about the Hershey’s whom I had been so ready to dismiss. Since the Hershey’s could not have children of their own they decided to become the benefactors of a school for children who needed help. They opened the Hershey Industrial School, which is now known as the Milton Hershey School. Milton Hershey said the school was Kitty’s idea. The school gives a quality education to children who have a social as well as financial need. Milton Hershey gave most of his assets including control of the company to the school.
I stood there with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Chills spread all over my body. I knew Kwan Yin had put me in this place, at this moment. This was her way of letting me know that I am not alone, that the path I have been given is the path I was meant to walk.
Later that night after a dip in the hotel pool while we were resting in front of some mindless television program, I started thinking about the Hershey’s. What if they had been able to become parents? They would never have started the school. Millions of children would not have received the benefits of a quality education in a nurturing environment. Millions of children were helped because the Hershey’s decided to walk the path they were given and make a contribution in the best way they could. Laying there in the soft glow of the T.V. light I understood that this is what life is really about. I mean, I really got it! Life is about walking the path I am given. It is about using what I have been given to make a contribution in the best way I can.

Fitting In (First published 6/14/13)

(My first 6 blog posts were somehow erased. I have no idea how. For those who are interested, I am re-publishing them now. I will create a brand new post later this week)
I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately. I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions. Most of the time, I am fine with that. Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me. This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother. Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children. My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?! You’re lucky you don’t have kids!” When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption. In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it. I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about? Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex-husband? Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption? These are the answers that I have come up with: 1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was. 2) My ex-husband was my first love. I believe in true love. I wanted to believe he would change if I did. That was a huge mistake. 3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in. I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like everyone else. I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly. Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.
These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless. I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double wide trailer that is in need of many repairs. I own a business. I am a full time college student. From an outsiders point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim. It does not fit.
This is my truth: I am happy. I feel comfortable in my own skin. On most days I have a great deal of serenity. I don’t worry about my future. I no longer stress about my finances. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside. I do not doubt that I deserve the best. I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships every day. I am kind. I enjoy living immensely!
In regards to fitting in, Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “If you choose to lead your life just like eve… The road most traveled by is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us. If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!