Lesbian Overnight

sorry boys i'm gay

My Mother recently prompted my ex-boyfriend to collect somethings that he had stored in and around her shed via certified mail from the sheriff’s office. He had left these things on her property after he and I broke up 16 months ago. She and I made repeated attempts to have him remove them.

He still felt that my Mother had done him a great wrong.

Which I guess is what prompted him to yell at my Mother: “About you’re daughter, NO ONE BECOMES A LESBIAN OVERNIGHT!

My Mother told him to go to hell and went back into her house. ( Yes she is pretty awesome!)

He may be sick & narrow minded but he is right about one thing: I did not become a lesbian overnight.

It took decades for me to be who I really am.

I identified as bisexual beginning at age 17.

I wasn’t sure I could be gay because I had been with boys.

The first time I had sex it was with a boy.

I always chose men because they chose me.

I never considered a single man that I was with until he paid attention to me. I never looked at a man and felt the things that I felt (and feel) when I looked at a woman.

I went through puberty in the age of day time talk shows in the 80’s. On several of these shows I often heard that women just didn’t feel the same level of sexual desire that men do. I heard women who were supposed to be experts saying that women were attracted to men after getting to know them. And these same so called experts said that women often needed cuddling more than sexual fulfillment.

I also heard “experts” saying on these talk shows that same sex attraction was very common in teenage girls but that they usually out grew it when they became adults.

As a young girl I thought that women just didn’t feel the same level of attraction that men did.

And I thought that it was normal for me to feel attracted to and develop deep emotional attachments to my female friends.

I struggled in relationships with the opposite sex for a multitude of reasons.

Among the reasons that I struggled was the fact that I sometimes wondered if I needed to end the relationship because I was actually a lesbian.

But I would talk myself out of it. I would “write off” my thoughts. I would tell myself I was creating a problem that wasn’t there. I was creating struggle when everything was going well.

I told myself it was normal to only have fantasies about women. I figured it was because I had a man. If I were with a woman then I would have fantasies about men right?

I always felt like I was hiding. I always felt like something was missing. I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t ever figure out what that something was.

Iyanla Vanzant Authentic Self quote

When I am my true self, I allow others to truly love me

When I fell in love with my girlfriend a million puzzle pieces fell into place.

I knew who I was and what had been missing.

A million realizations fired off in my brain and in my heart.

It took me 30+ years to meet her and be my authentic self.

My ex-boyfriend was right: I didn’t become a lesbian overnight. I always was. It just took a very long time for me to live my truth.

 

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Whats Out &Whats In for 2017: The Year of Fruition

I DEEM 2017 THE YEAR OF FRUITION

2017

I deemed 2016 as The Year of Transition. 

I had no idea how right I was!

This year I: Came out as bisexual, met the love of my life (I honestly had no idea she would be so amazing!), realized that I am actually a lesbian and have always been and that that is a big reason my relationships with men never worked, let go of toxic people, adopted two adult daughters (they are such a blessing!), introduced my girlfriend to my Mom(!), changed sponsors twice, was privileged to watch my dear friend make progress with her health challenge, and started an internship that I enjoy.

And I remained open as I said I would last year. I let go of expectations as best as I could. And I faced my fear.

The results are obvious:

  • I found deep, profound, true love. Unconditional adoring, hot, connected at the soul level love! And my Mother is happy for me! And my other family members and friends are happy for me! I denied my true self for decades because I was afraid of rejection. When I decided to risk facing that fear what I found was acceptance.
  • I became a second Mother to two adult daughters. I never thought that I would be a Mother in at all because I thought it had to happen in a traditional way. But I let go of that expectation and found profound healing and a great blessing.
  • After years of struggle, I finally let intuition guide me and made some hard decisions that needed to be made. I was afraid of hurting some people’s feelings. However, what happened was I ended up having great peace of mind and guidance.

So, once again my plan for the New Year is to REMAIN OPEN. No expectations.

What’s Out and what’s In for 2017:

the-list

OUT

Tradition

Anger

Frustration

Speaking negatively

Taking on more than I can handle

Not asking for help

Eating bad food

Neglecting myself

IN

Taking care of myself

Saying no when I need to

Speaking positively

Boldness

Being authentic in all things

Getting more sleep

Peace

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Making time to write

Travel

Eating well

I get that the current landscape of our world is uncertain going into 2017. But I believe life is what we make it. Remember: We are all in this together. This year will be as great as we choose for it to be!