2018 INTENTIONS

2017 was incredibly exciting, fun, and a bit terrifying.

Last year I:

• Spent a lot of time I praying Jo wouldn’t die. She almost died in my arms once. And she spent the entire month of March into the first week of April in the hospital.
• Moved to Richmond to live with my soul mate! This meant not seeing my Mom every day as well as leaving my family and friends. However, my Mother, family and friends could not be happier for me and I couldn’t be happier period. I travel the short distance home frequently.
• Started a new job and shut down the business I had owned and operated for a 8 years
• Saw PJ Harvey in concert for the third time. Thanks Amy!
• Traveled a lot with Jo. Our trips included Williamsburg, York Town, the Eastern Shore, and New York City!
• GOT ENGAGED (!) at the huge Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, and met Cyndi Lauper on the trip to New York City! It was the most incredible vacation of my life!
• Experienced the sting of homophobia and acceptance all within the same holiday season. Jo’s family disowned her because she and I posted pictures of us getting engaged on Facebook. They have known she is a lesbian for 38+ years. This meant no phone calls, texts or invites from her family on Christmas. To say she was devastated by their reaction to our joy is an understatement. However, my family has only known I am gay for a year and a half. They completely embraced Jo with open arms. My amazing Mother told her she has a new family now. To receive complete acceptance from my family is the greatest of many blessings I have been given. I kept my true sexual identity hidden for decades because I was afraid of losing my family. Instead, what I was really doing was denying them the opportunity to accept me.
• I forgot who I really am. I got angry, judged those who are sick and bashed them. I did this constantly with our current president and those who hurt the ones I love. I got righteously pissed off! I posted negative things on social media and spit out hate plenty. I forgot that I am a spiritual being, a Buddhist, and a bringer of peace.
• I participated in some nonreciprocal friendships. I went above and beyond, reached out, ran errands, rescued, and sacrificed my time and energy for people who didn’t care about me really. Either because they are sick or because I made a bigger deal out of our friendship than they did. These people reached out a little or did me a small kindness just so I would stay on the “back burner” in case they needed me.

 

 

 

 

 

MY INTENTIONS 2018:

• Allow my deities Guanyin and Green Tara to take the lead in all I do, to stay out of their way and allow life to unfold.
• Trust that everything that happens or is happening is for my good.
• Be in and apart of the flow of life and allow the process to be as it is without trying to change it.
• Raise my voice in irritation less.
• Act, speak, and think positively even when I don’t feel like it and even when it is difficult.
• Allow others to have their own experience without interfering.
• Only participate in friendships with people who return my calls, texts, and efforts to stay connected, who want to see me and have a genuine interest in who I am and not what I can give them.
• Living in the present moment instead of fearing the future.
• Look at my phone less and engage with people.
• Planning my wedding and honeymoon!
• Traveling a lot!
• Celebrate my joy with Jo every day!
• Be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and partner
• Be a force of love, compassion, and peace even when I don’t feel like it and even when it is difficult.

I wish for ALL of you to experience love, joy, and serenity this year! Happy 2018!

 

Who We Really Are

While the terrorist/white supremacist attacks were taking place in my home town of Charlottesville, VA yesterday  I was enjoying a peaceful day in Richmond, VA of homemade waffles and cleaning the apartment with my girlfriend.

As the news of what was happening in Charlottesville blew up Facebook and my phone with notifications from NPR news, I was devastated to say the least. I cried then and I have cried today. I cannot imagine what Heather Heyer’s loved ones are experiencing right now. And I am sure that everyone who was injured, beaten or who witnessed what happened now has some form of PTSD to deal with.

I cannot speak a lot about what happened Saturday August 12th because I wasn’t there. I will never really know what it was like. And honestly, what can I say about bigoted terrorist that hasn’t already been said?

However, I am certain of a few things:

1. My family and friends in Charlottesville and Ruckersville, where I lived for the past 16 years before relocating to Richmond, are the most loving and accepting people that I have ever known.
2. Yes this was a terrorist attack. People do not beat up or kill other people when they are exercising their right as an American to protest.
3. THIS ATTACK HAPPENED BECAUSE OF OUTSIDERS THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHARLOTTESVILLE OR LOCAL POLITICS. Their terrorist actions do not reflect what is in the hearts of any of my loved ones or Charlottesville as a whole.

This is not who we are. It never was.

I have one more thing I would like to share with you.

I called my Mom to make sure she didn’t venture into Charlottesville on an errand yesterday. After these violent attacks that were based on hate occurred, I received the most beautiful gift from my Mother. During our conversation, she said: “You seem so happy and I really like Jo Ann. You’re doing so good something about it just seems so, right.” My Mother, who just found out I’m gay after knowing me my entire life, gave me the gift of acceptance.

This gives me hope. And it proves to me that love will always win.

Love is who we really are.  

Lesbian Overnight

My Mother recently prompted my ex-boyfriend to collect somethings that he had stored in and around her shed via certified mail from the sheriff’s office. He had left these things on her property after he and I broke up 16 months ago. She and I made repeated attempts to have him remove them.

He still felt that my Mother had done him a great wrong.

Which I guess is what prompted him to yell at my Mother: “About you’re daughter, NO ONE BECOMES A LESBIAN OVERNIGHT! “

My Mother told him to go to hell and went back into her house. ( Yes she is pretty awesome!)

He may be sick & narrow minded but he is right about one thing: I did not become a lesbian overnight.

It took decades for me to be who I really am.

I identified as bisexual beginning at age 17.

I wasn’t sure I could be gay because I had been with boys.

The first time I had sex it was with a boy.

I always chose men because they chose me.

I never considered a single man that I was with until he paid attention to me. I never looked at a man and felt the things that I felt (and feel) when I looked at a woman.

I went through puberty in the age of day time talk shows in the 80’s. On several of these shows I often heard that women just didn’t feel the same level of sexual desire that men do. I heard women who were supposed to be experts saying that women were attracted to men after getting to know them. And these same so called experts said that women often needed cuddling more than sexual fulfillment.

I also heard “experts” saying on these talk shows that same sex attraction was very common in teenage girls but that they usually out grew it when they became adults.

As a young girl I thought that women just didn’t feel the same level of attraction that men did.

And I thought that it was normal for me to feel attracted to and develop deep emotional attachments to my female friends.

I struggled in relationships with the opposite sex for a multitude of reasons.

Among the reasons that I struggled was the fact that I sometimes wondered if I needed to end the relationship because I was actually a lesbian.

But I would talk myself out of it. I would “write off” my thoughts. I would tell myself I was creating a problem that wasn’t there. I was creating struggle when everything was going well.

I told myself it was normal to only have fantasies about women. I figured it was because I had a man. If I were with a woman then I would have fantasies about men right?

I always felt like I was hiding. I always felt like something was missing. I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t ever figure out what that something was.

When I am my true self, I allow others to truly love me

When I fell in love with my girlfriend a million puzzle pieces fell into place.

I knew who I was and what had been missing.

A million realizations fired off in my brain and in my heart.

It took me 30+ years to meet her and be my authentic self.

My ex-boyfriend was right: I didn’t become a lesbian overnight. I always was. It just took a very long time for me to live my truth.

 

To Damn Busy!

My love is in the hospital again with pneumonia. She has officially been there for one week today.

She will get better.

In the week that she has been in the hospital none of her family has come to visit her.

One of her good friends is the only person to visit her besides me.

This has caused me to think about busyness.

Allow me to explain.

When we are busy we don’t have to stop and look at life. We don’t have to wonder if we are happy or if our relationships are good. We’re just to damn busy to think about it!

When we are busy, we gain our worth from how much we get done in a day (this is me in a nut shell by the way). And when we do finally have a day off or a vacation we can say we deserve it because of how busy we have been!

The cycle goes on and on. We wear ourselves out, our relationships grow weaker, and we stop showing up for people when they need us even when they are sick and in the hospital.

I am completely certain of one thing: THE RELATONSHIPS THAT WE HAVE WITH OUR LOVED ONES ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS LIFE.

When we finally take the long dirt nap, the only thing that we will leave this world with is the love we created while we were here.

Showing up for someone means more than a thousand tasks completed in a day, a new car, or a promotion.

Today, I will go spend as much time as I can with my love.

I can’t make her well. But I can show up for her.

Whats Out &Whats In for 2017: The Year of Fruition

I DEEM 2017 THE YEAR OF FRUITION

I deemed 2016 as The Year of Transition. 

I had no idea how right I was!

This year I: Came out as bisexual, met the love of my life (I honestly had no idea she would be so amazing!), realized that I am actually a lesbian and have always been and that that is a big reason my relationships with men never worked, let go of toxic people, adopted two adult daughters (they are such a blessing!), introduced my girlfriend to my Mom(!), changed sponsors twice, was privileged to watch my dear friend make progress with her health challenge, and started an internship that I enjoy.

And I remained open as I said I would last year. I let go of expectations as best as I could. And I faced my fear.

The results are obvious:

• I found deep, profound, true love. Unconditional adoring, hot, connected at the soul level love! And my Mother is happy for me! And my other family members and friends are happy for me! I denied my true self for decades because I was afraid of rejection. When I decided to risk facing that fear what I found was acceptance.
• I became a second Mother to two adult daughters. I never thought that I would be a Mother in at all because I thought it had to happen in a traditional way. But I let go of that expectation and found profound healing and a great blessing.
• After years of struggle, I finally let intuition guide me and made some hard decisions that needed to be made. I was afraid of hurting some people’s feelings. However, what happened was I ended up having great peace of mind and guidance.

So, once again my plan for the New Year is to REMAIN OPEN. No expectations.

What’s Out and what’s In for 2017:

OUT

Tradition

Anger

Frustration

Speaking negatively

Taking on more than I can handle

Not asking for help

Eating bad food

Neglecting myself

IN

Taking care of myself

Saying no when I need to

Speaking positively

Boldness

Being authentic in all things

Getting more sleep

Peace

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Making time to write

Travel

Eating well

I get that the current landscape of our world is uncertain going into 2017. But I believe life is what we make it. Remember: We are all in this together. This year will be as great as we choose for it to be!

 

WE ABSOULUTLY NEED TO KEEP BEING WHO WE ARE

Bear with me for a moment if you will.

I swear this isn’t a political rant.

Nor is it a plea for the tolerance of hate.

I was completely devastated, and terrified by the results of the 2016 presidential election.

The current administration stands against anyone who is NOT : white, male, Christian.

I fall into a few minority groups:

Lesbian, woman, Buddhist.

I never thought hate would make its way into the White House in such a blatant way.

I’m not going to tell you that I think it will get better or that we should tolerate hatred.

However, I will tell you this: WE ABSOULUTLY NEED TO KEEP BEING WHO WE ARE.

I have to live my life based on spiritual principles. If I don’t I won’t be able to live. It’s easy for me to live my life from these principles when the rest of the world is acting in a peaceful and loving manner.

Ah, but this is where the proverbial “rubber meets the road”. Now I get to actually practice these principles in the face of hate.

That means that I have to keep showing up for life as the best person I can be regardless of what is happening in the world. I have to be kind and loving even when it is very, very difficult to do so.

May I propose this to those of you who were kind enough to read this:

Show up for life as a force of peace.

Be kind.

And above all, let the people in your life know what it is you value about them as individuals.

I say this because I can tell you from experience that some of us “minorities” may be feeling a little unsure right now. Letting someone know what it is you value about them can really let them know that they are valued as a person and not just summed up into a category.

I was blessed to have someone do this for me recently. It changed my point of view.

If you see an injustice taking place before your eyes, remember the victim. It is human nature to go after the aggressor. However, it is the victim that really needs comfort.

Now more than ever it is vital to go out of your way to be kind, show love, and do your best.

We are all in this together. Remember that above ALL ELSE.

!LIVING OUT LOUD!

I came out to my Mother last week. I didn’t explain that I am bi sexual but prefer women. I didn’t tell her about the time in my life before I became involved with my ex-husband when I was “out”. I simply said: “I’m seeing someone and her name is Jo Ann.” She reacted as if I had told her I was going to the movies. And she told me she’s happy for me. She acknowledged that I’ve been through horrible relationships. She said I deserve to be happy. Now that she knows, I feel like I can breathe and relax into this new life I am creating with the most amazing woman I have ever met.

I honestly think the most difficult thing in the world to do is to be who you really are without filters or denial.

To not lie to yourself and “push down” that icy feeling in the pit of your stomach when something is really wrong.

To follow the thing that makes your heart sing with joy and not put it on “the back burner” when something is really right.

To risk rejection, heart break, failure and lack of acceptance.

To let go of caring about what other people think.

I am 47.  I will be incredibly blessed if I live another forty years.

I want to LIVE OUT LOUD!  I want to be brave enough to I risk living my truth without guarantees.

I am working on not wasting another moment of my life living in denial or using filters based on fear.

I am completely terrified!   

 

 

Ending the Cycle of Violence

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The recent mass shooting Pulse in Orlando FL, affected me more than the other mass shootings that have occurred within the past few years. (The fact that I can even refer to there being more than on mass shooting within the past few years disturbs me deeply) This mass shooting hit close to home for me and every other person who considers themselves a part of the LGBT community at large.

A lot of information has surfaced about Omar Mateen of late.

• Over the past few weeks evidence has surfaced that Omar Mateen was acting out of revenge and not as part of Isis as he stated in his phones calls with law enforcement.
• A former lover of Omar’s who referred to himself as Miguel, told Univision in an exclusive interview that Mateen had had sex with him as well as two men from Pulse. One of the men may have been HIV+.
• In an interview with the New York Times,Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, described Mateen as incredibly abusive and says she was only able to escape with the help of her family.
• There is some evidence that Mateen mentioned researching ant-psychotic medications the day of his attack on Pulse.

I have no idea why anyone would commit such a heinous act against innocent people.

But I have a theory about hate and violence.

My theory is that there is a cycle of hate that leads to horrendous behavior.

I believe the cycle goes something like this:

• A person feels bad about themselves. They are deeply insecure.
• They begin seeking ways to lash out at other people to feel better about themselves and release anger.
• They begin to feed on the anger of lashing out. It becomes like a high. It gives them the feeling of being superior and inflates their ego.
• Being angry feels good and powerful. It gives them the sense that they have power thus it allows them to ignore their feelings of insecurity. This feeling of power becomes addictive.
• The more they participate in the cycle of hate, the more their behavior has to escalate because it takes more to “feed” their addiction. Thus leading to increasingly violent acts.

Make no mistake; violent acts come in many forms.

For example, Donald Trump’s self-centered response to the Pulse massacre on Twitter was a violent act.

Every church group who has used and will use this heinous tragedy to justify protesting at the funerals of the victims is committing an act of violence.

I know the question on everybody’s minds is: What do we do about this?

I think we need to practice greater love and tolerance.

I believe that how we show up in life affects the our world as a whole. I believe this more that I believe anything else. One act of kindness by one person ripples out into the world.

The brilliant Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. knew this truth and spent his all to short life working to make the world understand it.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said:

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.

Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.

Through violence you may murder the liar,

but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.

Through violence you may murder the hater,

but you do not murder hate.

In fact, violence merely increases hate.

So it goes.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,

adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness:

only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that “

What we can do is show up in life with kindness and love even when it is the most difficult thing to be done. The time for justifiable anger has passed. It isn’t making our world any better.

I know we can’t change any one. I certainly can’t make people stop hating people like me and saying we will all “burn in hell” or that the Orlando attack was the “will of God”.

But what I do know is this: If I hate I am a part of the problem. If I allow myself to put other people down for any reason I am getting into the cycle of hate. I believe that would be the ultimate mistake.

Patterns

The patterns that I keep repeating in romantic relationships can no longer be ignored. They surface in waves of unwanted revelation. Theses waves of truth wash over me and are forcing me to get completely honest with myself.

Although I am aware of the patterns, I have absolutely no idea WHY I keep repeating them.

I’m going to start online therapy to address these issues. It has a very high success rate as your therapist is accessible twice a day as opposed to once a week. I’ll keep you posted.

The Patterns:

1. Someone shows an interest in me and I start to pursue them. I have always begun my relationships with people that gave me their attention. I chose to be with them based on their attention to me not my interests in them. In some cases, I wasn’t even attracted to them.
2. I have never “dated”. I have always started a physical relationship quickly. I always make these encounters into love relationships. Even when I have only wanted a “hook up” I will try to make it more meaningful than it is or should be.
3. I will stay after multiple “red flags”. I will ignore the warnings. EVERY SINGLE TIME they will turn out to be abusive but I will bend, mold, and compromise myself to make the relationship work. In my late teens and early 20’s I had two relationships that were physically abusive. All of the rest of my relationships have been mentally and emotionally abusive.
4. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH HAS UNADDRESSED MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. Cutting, depression, what may have been untreated bi-polar disorder, anger issues, etc.

 

Perhaps the greatest truth that I am facing is how incredibly ashamed and scared I am of what my family, some of my friends, and society will think of me. I am struggling with the fact that one of reasons that I have gotten into relationships with men so quickly is because I am deeply attracted to women. And being in a committed relationship with a man protected me from having to face the possible rejection of my family, friends, or society.

This is only a very small piece of the puzzle. My past relationships or encounters with women have included all of the above patterns minus the physical abuse.

I feel like a coward. I DO NOT LIKE CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME OR MY CHOICES.  In all other aspects of my life I don’t care.  Hiding this aspect of myself from the world due to shame feels like a betrayal not only to myself but to the people in my life who are members of the LGBT community that I love deeply, support completely, and celebrate always.

Please know that my intention here is to help others on their journey by sharing my own. PLEASE GIVE PITY TO THOSE WHO ARE TRULY IN NEED NOT TO ME. And no matter what: NEVER HIDE YOUR TRUTH FROM ME. I will never judge you.