Lesbian Overnight

sorry boys i'm gay

My Mother recently prompted my ex-boyfriend to collect somethings that he had stored in and around her shed via certified mail from the sheriff’s office. He had left these things on her property after he and I broke up 16 months ago. She and I made repeated attempts to have him remove them.

He still felt that my Mother had done him a great wrong.

Which I guess is what prompted him to yell at my Mother: “About you’re daughter, NO ONE BECOMES A LESBIAN OVERNIGHT!

My Mother told him to go to hell and went back into her house. ( Yes she is pretty awesome!)

He may be sick & narrow minded but he is right about one thing: I did not become a lesbian overnight.

It took decades for me to be who I really am.

I identified as bisexual beginning at age 17.

I wasn’t sure I could be gay because I had been with boys.

The first time I had sex it was with a boy.

I always chose men because they chose me.

I never considered a single man that I was with until he paid attention to me. I never looked at a man and felt the things that I felt (and feel) when I looked at a woman.

I went through puberty in the age of day time talk shows in the 80’s. On several of these shows I often heard that women just didn’t feel the same level of sexual desire that men do. I heard women who were supposed to be experts saying that women were attracted to men after getting to know them. And these same so called experts said that women often needed cuddling more than sexual fulfillment.

I also heard “experts” saying on these talk shows that same sex attraction was very common in teenage girls but that they usually out grew it when they became adults.

As a young girl I thought that women just didn’t feel the same level of attraction that men did.

And I thought that it was normal for me to feel attracted to and develop deep emotional attachments to my female friends.

I struggled in relationships with the opposite sex for a multitude of reasons.

Among the reasons that I struggled was the fact that I sometimes wondered if I needed to end the relationship because I was actually a lesbian.

But I would talk myself out of it. I would “write off” my thoughts. I would tell myself I was creating a problem that wasn’t there. I was creating struggle when everything was going well.

I told myself it was normal to only have fantasies about women. I figured it was because I had a man. If I were with a woman then I would have fantasies about men right?

I always felt like I was hiding. I always felt like something was missing. I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t ever figure out what that something was.

Iyanla Vanzant Authentic Self quote

When I am my true self, I allow others to truly love me

When I fell in love with my girlfriend a million puzzle pieces fell into place.

I knew who I was and what had been missing.

A million realizations fired off in my brain and in my heart.

It took me 30+ years to meet her and be my authentic self.

My ex-boyfriend was right: I didn’t become a lesbian overnight. I always was. It just took a very long time for me to live my truth.

 

!LIVING OUT LOUD!

stop being afraid

I came out to my Mother last week. I didn’t explain that I am bi sexual but prefer women. I didn’t tell her about the time in my life before I became involved with my ex-husband when I was “out”. I simply said: “I’m seeing someone and her name is Jo Ann.” She reacted as if I had told her I was going to the movies. And she told me she’s happy for me. She acknowledged that I’ve been through horrible relationships. She said I deserve to be happy. Now that she knows, I feel like I can breathe and relax into this new life I am creating with the most amazing woman I have ever met.

I honestly think the most difficult thing in the world to do is to be who you really are without filters or denial.

To not lie to yourself and “push down” that icy feeling in the pit of your stomach when something is really wrong.

To follow the thing that makes your heart sing with joy and not put it on “the back burner” when something is really right.

To risk rejection, heart break, failure and lack of acceptance.

To let go of caring about what other people think.

I am 47.  I will be incredibly blessed if I live another forty years.

I want to LIVE OUT LOUD!  I want to be brave enough to I risk living my truth without guarantees.

I am working on not wasting another moment of my life living in denial or using filters based on fear.

I am completely terrified!   

 

 

Freedom

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Due to the fact that today is Independence Day, I find myself thinking about freedom. I have been in the process of becoming freer over the past few months. I have been accepting life as it is more. And allowing myself to be who I am, thus facing my BIG fear of being rejected by the people I love. I am finding that my fear is unwarranted.

The more I live my truth, accept and love myself I am able to love others deeply and without reservation. I am losing interest in judging others. This does not mean that I do things perfectly. I make mistakes daily!

What it does mean : I am able to love others as they are because I am finally able to love myself as I am.

Buddha said: “The price of freedom is simply choosing to be, liberation is in the mind.”

True freedom is of our own making.

People reject other people and hate them because they cannot love and accept themselves completely. This is the most hidden of truths.

Just for today, I encourage everyone to accept yourself in all of your magnificence! Make no room in your heart for hate. Allow yourself to be free!

Happy 4th of July to all!

 

Ending the Cycle of Violence

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The recent mass shooting Pulse in Orlando FL, affected me more than the other mass shootings that have occurred within the past few years. (The fact that I can even refer to there being more than on mass shooting within the past few years disturbs me deeply) This mass shooting hit close to home for me and every other person who considers themselves a part of the LGBT community at large.

A lot of information has surfaced about Omar Mateen of late.

  • Over the past few weeks evidence has surfaced that Omar Mateen was acting out of revenge and not as part of Isis as he stated in his phones calls with law enforcement.
  • A former lover of Omar’s who referred to himself as Miguel, told Univision in an exclusive interview that Mateen had had sex with him as well as two men from Pulse. One of the men may have been HIV+.
  • In an interview with the New York Times,Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, described Mateen as incredibly abusive and says she was only able to escape with the help of her family.
  • There is some evidence that Mateen mentioned researching ant-psychotic medications the day of his attack on Pulse.

I have no idea why anyone would commit such a heinous act against innocent people.

But I have a theory about hate and violence.

My theory is that there is a cycle of hate that leads to horrendous behavior.

I believe the cycle goes something like this:

  • A person feels bad about themselves. They are deeply insecure.
  • They begin seeking ways to lash out at other people to feel better about themselves and release anger.
  • They begin to feed on the anger of lashing out. It becomes like a high. It gives them the feeling of being superior and inflates their ego.
  • Being angry feels good and powerful. It gives them the sense that they have power thus it allows them to ignore their feelings of insecurity. This feeling of power becomes addictive.
  • The more they participate in the cycle of hate, the more their behavior has to escalate because it takes more to “feed” their addiction. Thus leading to increasingly violent acts.

Make no mistake; violent acts come in many forms.

For example, Donald Trump’s self-centered response to the Pulse massacre on Twitter was a violent act.

Every church group who has used and will use this heinous tragedy to justify protesting at the funerals of the victims is committing an act of violence.

I know the question on everybody’s minds is: What do we do about this?

I think we need to practice greater love and tolerance.

I believe that how we show up in life affects the our world as a whole. I believe this more that I believe anything else. One act of kindness by one person ripples out into the world.

The brilliant Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. knew this truth and spent his all to short life working to make the world understand it.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said:

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.

Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.

Through violence you may murder the liar,

but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.

Through violence you may murder the hater,

but you do not murder hate.

In fact, violence merely increases hate.

So it goes.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,

adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness:

only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that “

What we can do is show up in life with kindness and love even when it is the most difficult thing to be done. The time for justifiable anger has passed. It isn’t making our world any better.

I know we can’t change any one. I certainly can’t make people stop hating people like me and saying we will all “burn in hell” or that the Orlando attack was the “will of God”.

But what I do know is this: If I hate I am a part of the problem. If I allow myself to put other people down for any reason I am getting into the cycle of hate. I believe that would be the ultimate mistake.

Patterns

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The patterns that I keep repeating in romantic relationships can no longer be ignored. They surface in waves of unwanted revelation. Theses waves of truth wash over me and are forcing me to get completely honest with myself.

Although I am aware of the patterns, I have absolutely no idea WHY I keep repeating them.

I’m going to start online therapy to address these issues. It has a very high success rate as your therapist is accessible twice a day as opposed to once a week. I’ll keep you posted.

The Patterns:

  1. Someone shows an interest in me and I start to pursue them. I have always begun my relationships with people that gave me their attention. I chose to be with them based on their attention to me not my interests in them. In some cases, I wasn’t even attracted to them.
  2. I have never “dated”. I have always started a physical relationship quickly. I always make these encounters into love relationships. Even when I have only wanted a “hook up” I will try to make it more meaningful than it is or should be.
  3. I will stay after multiple “red flags”. I will ignore the warnings. EVERY SINGLE TIME they will turn out to be abusive but I will bend, mold, and compromise myself to make the relationship work. In my late teens and early 20’s I had two relationships that were physically abusive. All of the rest of my relationships have been mentally and emotionally abusive.
  4. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH HAS UNADDRESSED MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. Cutting, depression, what may have been untreated bi-polar disorder, anger issues, etc.

 

Perhaps the greatest truth that I am facing is how incredibly ashamed and scared I am of what my family, some of my friends, and society will think of me. I am struggling with the fact that one of reasons that I have gotten into relationships with men so quickly is because I am deeply attracted to women. And being in a committed relationship with a man protected me from having to face the possible rejection of my family, friends, or society.

This is only a very small piece of the puzzle. My past relationships or encounters with women have included all of the above patterns minus the physical abuse.

I feel like a coward. I DO NOT LIKE CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME OR MY CHOICES.  In all other aspects of my life I don’t care.  Hiding this aspect of myself from the world due to shame feels like a betrayal not only to myself but to the people in my life who are members of the LGBT community that I love deeply, support completely, and celebrate always.

Please know that my intention here is to help others on their journey by sharing my own. PLEASE GIVE PITY TO THOSE WHO ARE TRULY IN NEED NOT TO ME. And no matter what: NEVER HIDE YOUR TRUTH FROM ME. I will never judge you. 

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2016 : What’s Out & What’s In

Last Week after the Burning Bowl Ceremony I had a powerful realization for 2016

The Buddha said that all suffering is caused by self-grasping. It has recently occurred to me that my grasping and striving is entirely the problem. Honestly, what have I been doing all of these years if not trying to achieve some goal or obtain some life style in order to complete myself thus growing my ego?

For 2016 I have make no resolutions, no goals, no plans. I am simply going to remain open. However, I am a big believer in starting any new year from the mind set of Out with the Old, In with the New. Here’s my list of what’s Out and what’s In for 2016:

Out

Expectations

Pushing down the truth and ignoring the guidance I am being given

Hiding my bisexuality

Being ashamed of how others see me

Placing so much importance on how others see me

People who take more than they give

Jumping into bed and making a relationship out of it

Negative people

Accepting intolerant people

Attachment to out comes

Complaining

Talking about my break up

Being afraid that I will not get a job in my field

Letting go of who I think I’m supposed to be and how my life is supposed to be

Self-grasping in order to grow my ego

In

Being on my own and not in a relationship or dating

Having a deeper relationship with my Goddesses (Kwan Yin & Green Tara)

Being proud of my sexuality

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Writing

Following the guidance of my Kwan Yin & Green Tara

Following my intuition

Allowing people to be who they are without trying to change them

Letting go of people that are unkind and intolerant

Speaking and thinking positively

Spending a lot of time with the people I love

Traveling more even if it is only a day trip and not an elaborate vacation

Completely letting go and trusting my Goddesses to connect me with a job where I can be of maximum service in the right way and in the right time

Being who I am and living the life I have been given with gratitude

Getting out of the way and allowing my Goddesses to lead

Believing who people are when they show me the first time

This year, I really hope that all of you find peace and love each day. Remember that we are all in this together. At the end of it all when we lay down for that final long sleep, we will not remember the jobs we had or the houses we bought. We will remember the people we have loved and how we treated them.

The Things That Matter Most

TSarah and Tara VA Beach

Love is what matters 

This weekend, I’m in Hampton, VA visiting two friends that mean a lot to me. We went site seeing in Virginia Beach today and have plans to visit a Buddhist temple tomorrow. It has been such a pleasure to spend time with them. They are in my tribe. They are wiser than they realize.

Tonight at dinner my friend Sarah said something that really resonated with me. She said: “You know, people are so interested in chasing and getting things. But all I want is to be happy. I want peace and happiness. You know? That’s what’s important. That’s what I care about.”

After I dropped my friends off, I turned Sarah’s words over in my mind. As I was driving I had an epiphany: I have lost my focus.

Since my break up, I have realized a lot of truths of late. However, in the midst of managing my crisis, I forgot the greatest truth: I must focus on the things that matter most.

  1. Showing up for the people in my life and being of service in whatever way I can.
  2. The deep and abiding joy and peace that is the greatest blessing from my Goddesses Kwan Yin and Green Tara.
  3. Loving the amazing people that fill my life and spending as much time with them as possible.

When my short life is over, I will not remember the days I spent pursuing a living or what I failed to do. I will remember the people who filled my heart and whom I was able to help in some small way. And I will have known great peace and joy.